About me, innit.

My friend, Abigail, tagged me in one of her posts, revealing a few secrets about herself. So now it's my turn...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
1. Post these rules 
2. Post 11 random things about yourself 
3. Answer the questions provided by the one who tagged you 
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag 
5. Go to their blog and tell them they've been tagged!
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11 random things:

1. I have a massive issue with hygiene, I'm an antibacterial freak.
2. Biscuits are my one true love. Forget babies, it's biscuits all the way.
3. New York is my favourite place on the planet. I would give my left arm to move there. Maybe not my left arm. Perhaps my little finger.
4. Eastenders is my worst nightmare. As is 'Take Me Out'. 
5. I'm obsessed with the Right Move app. 
6. Before I had a baby I was the most selfish person in the world.
7. I lived with my grandparents until I was 24. If I could get my own way, I'd move back in.
8. When Lil is older I'm going to tell everyone we're sisters.
9. I desperately want a 'tit' job. They make me miserable. Saggy little fuckers.
10. I got married 6 weeks after we decided to take the plunge. Best way to do it ladies, small and simple (we had three other people at our wedding).
11. My best friend is ginger. She calls me Bunny, I call her Ethel.

Now for Abigail's questions:

1. What is your favourite time of year?
It used to be Winter but I'm so over it now. It has to be Spring although I get over-excited and wear sandals when I should still be wearing boots.

2. What makes you laugh?
Stepbrothers (the film) like you wouldn't believe.

3. What was the last movie you saw at the cinema?
Crazy Stupid Love - Ryan Gosling I would do bad things to you.

4. What's the one thing you couldn't live without?
Dental floss. I do it twice a day, religiously.

5. If you had extra time to do one thing, what would you do?
Read more I guess. That's the only thing I miss now I've had a baby, I used to read all the time.

6. Who was/is your celebrity crush?
Ryan Gosling, for sure. He is one hot piece of ass.

7. If you could go on holiday anywhere tomorrow where would you go?
Hawaii. It looks so peaceful and the people there seem so welcoming. Unlike London.

8. What inspires you?
You're gonna barf.....my daughter. But so does the weather, friends, family, my husband especially, my crazy old Aunt Ada, being by the sea. I find inspiration in so many things.

9. What's your guilty pleasure?
Junk food. Biscuits mainly. Get in ma belleh.

10. What's the best advice or wisdom that has been passed down to you?
Mainly advice by my Mum and Nan: Trust your instinct, don't listen to others negativity. But the most important pieve of advice I've been given is from my Dad: Don't judge. It's so hard not to judge people but I've found it easier not to since becoming a Mother.

11. What's your current obsession?
Twitter although I'm nearly at the end of a Twitter 'holiday' - I spend far too much time on there. I'm currently searching for a new one. Maybe new tits (sorry, breasts and boobs make me cringe)?

I want to know more about Jolyne and Lydia. Here are their questions:

1. What is your favourite book?
2. Who would you have play you in your life story?
3. Heels or flats?
4. Describe yourself in six words before becoming a Mama.
5. Do you have any religious beliefs?
6. If you could be anything, what would you be?
7. What makes you cringe?
8. Do you have a quote you live by?
9. What is your biggest fear?
10. Your favourite place in the world is?
11. What makes your heart flutter?

Germs and ear infections.

Motherhood is stressful, isn't it? I mean, so stressful. And I'm not talking about tantrums (she appears to have hit the terrible twos a bit too early, more on that later) or poo on your forehead or forgetting to buy nappies because your baby brain has yet to fuck off. The kind of stress I'm talking about is when you're baby gets sick.

Yes she's sick again. She still has a cold but now she has an ear infection. Nothing major but it's a massive deal for me. I have to watch her suffer and all I can do is drug her up on Calpol and give her ear drops. Mama's that have had to deal with worse are Superwomen. A sick baby is just heartbreaking.

One thing that was so painful for me yesterday when we were at the hospital waiting to see a doctor was watching her crawl around on the floor, playing with the toys in the waiting room. I was itching to antibac the place (I carry a pack of Milton antibacterial wipes in my bag, don't judge) and I did wipe her hands when she'd finished playing. Awful isn't it. I know she needs to come in to contact with germs to build her immune system but that place just freaks me out with its germs.

Ah the trials and tribulations of being a Mother.

My heart just keeps bursting.


and again...

and again...

Learning sounds.

Contrary to what my pictures tell you, we don't sit around watching cBeebies all day. I mean, come on. Surely I'd be in a nut house by now.

Just recently, Lil and I have been playing with flashcards. I picked them up a few weekends ago and every couple of days I introduce a new one and we work on the sounds of the word. I don't read baby books so I don't know where we're supposed to be 'at' regarding her development. I feel that every baby or child will develop at different stages. There's no right or wrong.

So anyway, so far she can recognised a dog 'wuf wuf',  a lion 'raaaaah', a sheep 'baaaaaaaa', a panda 'ppppp ppppp' and a train 'choooo'. We're currently working on a cat but she can't quite grasp that one yet.

She can, however, recognise a pig 'peppa' and calls our dog 'baaaaa' mainly because he looks like a fluffy lamb.

These cards are such a great way to introduce your baby to new words. Now all I need to do it get her to understand 'no'.

Buy them here.

For shizzle in Brizzle.

We had such a great time at M's party on Sunday. All the babes climbed and rolled around in the soft play area while the Dads joined in and the Mums sat and nattered about how hard being a Mum actually is 'I lock myself in then kitchen when he gets home and drink wine out of the bottle' and 'By midday I'm rocking backwards and forwards'. So refreshing to hear such honesty and know I'm not the only one who is on the verge of being taken away from the men in white coats.

Then we watched as the babies sat in their highchairs and gorged on yummy food while the parents ate Kimberlee's cupcakes. Lil took a shine to Theo much to mine and Abi's delight. The little flirts.

And once everyone was all crawled and chattered out, we jumped in the car and headed to Cardiff.

Fun times with good friends.

I have a daughter.

I still find it hard to believe I have a daughter. I have a daughter. How strange.

Cold update.

Running on approximately two hours of sleep.

So far we have consumed 1x hot cross bun, 1x bowl of porridge, 1x jam donut (thanks, mum), 1x cream cheese bagel, 3x small cream cheese love heart shaped sandwiches, a handful of wotsits (don't judge), six slices of cucumber, 6x bourbon biscuits (kindly opened already by him), 3 cups of tea, four glasses and one beaker of water, not forgetting a bottle of baby milk.

We still feel like shit.

Cbeebies is doing my brain in, she doesn't want to watch Cougar Town or sleep so we've got ALL the toys out and are now about to read a book.

New word today is 'Hola'.

I would like to thank my darling husband for not keeping his germs to himself. Because what doesn't kill you, will surely just end in divorce.

(Can you tell I don't handle colds very well? I should probably man up, I have had a baby after all...)

We have a cold.

That's right. A cold. Just a simple, common cold. Well actually, colds aren't that common in our house and they're not bloody simple either.

I hate being ill. I'm tired pretty much every waking hour so just the smallest of illnesses wipe me out. And being a mother is hard at the best of times but being a mother with a stinking cold who has a baby with a stinking cold ain't much fun and it certainly isn't easy.

And I've only gone and ordered a shit ton of healthy food to be delivered tonight. We all know the best way to cure a cold is to eat lots of biscuits and drink lots of Hot Toddy's. Bang goes the diet again this week. Feed a cold and all that...

Rooooooaaaaaad trriiiiiiiiip.

Today we are going on a road trip to Bristol, one of my favourite places. It's M's birthday (one of Lil's friends) so we're going to hang out and do whatever it is a bunch of one year olds do when they get together. I'm super excited because just recently I've realised I love the company of babies (toddlers... WAH) other than Lil. It's funny to watch how they all differ and it's great to see Lil learning from them.

So today will be a good day.

Tonight we drive to Cardiff as we're going to spend the day there tomorrow and I'm going to show Lil around the city centre. I've only ever been once and from what I can remember I was tired and then drunk so it'll be good to explore tired and sober.

Let's see what mischief we can get ourselves in to.

Happy Sunday!

Mums who work. Mums who don't.

I'm a stay at home Mum. That 'title' makes me cringe. It screams lazy, spoilt, stuck up and too good to work. That's what I always thought before I had a baby. Oh she's a stay at home Mum is she? Well isn't she lucky. Her husband must pay for everything and she's obviously walking around in the latest designer clothes and lunches all the time with her friends.

Sadly, not true in this case. It would be nice.

I've noticed, just lately, a lot of negative energy towards Mums (and Dads) that don't work. Whether they're taking a career break (in my case) or just aren't going back to work until the child starts school, or even at all, what does it matter? We're all Mums (and Dads) together, right? Shouldn't we be supporting one another?

I have friends who have children who work: part-time and full-time. Some because they have to, some because they want to. And I have a ton of respect for them. I have a ton of respect for all Mums. We do such a hard job and we should all pull together, not bitch like we're back in the playground.

It would appear there seems to be some sort of working Mums club and if you don't work, you're not allowed in. I've found this to be the case in the real world and in the Twitter world. And it isn't just me that thinks it too. Shame on you, Mamas.

So how about we drop the bullshit 'I'm better than you because I work and you're obviously a stuck up rich Mum or just plain lazy' act and give us a break, yeah? We're all Mums (and Dads) together.

Shit just got real.

I've had a tough week. Lil is teething like a mutha fucka again, I'm running on empty and my eyebags are bigger than the Mulberry bag I am currently lusting after.

The scales are telling me I've put on half a stone (don't even go there with the whole cookies thing, okay?), my periods are all over the place (I'm on my 76th this year, alright maybe that's a slight exaggeration), I'm an emotional wreck, Lil won't sit still and I need some fucking time to myself. Do you know what year it was when I last read a whole magazine, cover to cover????? (yes it was last year but do you know what month it was? Before April)

First world problems maybe, but they're my problems.

People are stressing me the fu... I need to stop swearing. People are stressing me out. Family people, Twitter people, Facebook people, people I don't even know. I'm reading 'Buddhism for Mothers' again to find some calm because let's face it, I clearly didn't take it in the first time round.

Maybe I just need to switch off, close down my Twitter and Facebook, ignore those who are raising my blood pressure and just be peaceful. Maybe the reason Lil is reacting so badly to teething this time round is because I'm in a bad place and she's picking up on it.

Well hello Einstein, of course that's fucking why! (argh, SWEARING)

So there we have it, a solution. From Monday, Twitter and Facebook will be switched off and only automatic updates from my blog will be posted. I will shut out those who make me mad and dedicate my week to making things as happy and painless for Lil as I possibly can (you can give a baby whisky, right?).

We'll see how it goes. I think Lil and I both need to find a happy place for the sake of my sanity.

Is it Spring yet?

Is it me or is Winter dragging?

No amount of daffodils are brightening up my life. So I went and bought these crazy things to wear on my legs.

Lil is going to look back and cringe.


What a bastard, huh?

After yesterday (Lil shut her fingers in a kitchen drawer), I screamed at my husband to get down to B&Q and buy everything necessary to stop it happening again. We knew we had to do it, she just never really spent a lot of time in the kitchen up until now when simply cannot leave her on her own for two seconds without her bashing her head or destroying everything in sight (books and DVD's are her thing).

So now not only is the kitchen baby-proofed, it's also fucking mummy-proofed. Today alone I have caught my finger in the drawer or cupboard six times. I've nearly yanked both my arm and the cupboard doors off more than I care to note (I'm stronger than I thought). It's going to take a lot of getting used to. And a lot of cursing and sore fingers...

Valentines guilt.

Yesterday, my husband pissed me off. BIG TIME. He upset me, massively. He told a lie and broke a promise. Lies I can just about manage but broken promises? Nuh uh.

So what did I do? What does a scorned woman do when her husband upsets her? She goes and orders half a new wardrobe on his staff discount card, of course.

I deserve something for his betrayal. He should be punished.

Only today I feel guilty. I, Charlotte, the ice queen who rarely feels emotion (unless it's regarding Lil, in which case I can't help but show it), feel guilty.

This isn't an emotion I'm acquainted with often. Except today. On Valentines day. So not only does he piss me off and upset me, without doing anything, he makes me feel guilty on VALENTINES DAY. I'm not going to apologise. I've done nothing wrong even though my conscience is telling me otherwise.

No way.

And I'll be damned if I take my pretty new clothes back.

Hell hath no fury like your wife, pissed off and jacked up on caffeine with your staff card details stored on her Topshop account (he's lucky I didn't take Anna's advice and order half the Mary Katantzou collection).

Learn your lesson, fool.

Science, dinosaurs and booze.

On Friday we met up with the super gorgeous Jolyne and her little cutie, Roddy, and hopped over to the Science Museum. I must admit, I'm not a massive fan of science but I'd heard good things about the basement for babies so we went to explore.

After making our way through herds of school children, we made it downstairs to what appeared to be a day creche of under 6's. Kid everywhere, urgh.

It was far too crazy to let Lil crawl riot so she sat and played with the giant Lego (much to Daddy's delight) and Roddy joined in.

After half an hour and a quick look around the History Museum, we found solace at the nearest alcoholic establishment (much to Lil and Roddy's delight).

I'd definitely recommend a visit to The Garden in the Science Museum if you have an under 6. Just be sure to dress them in armour. The kids in there like to play rough...

Things what I say.

This post was inspired by Alice.

Things I find myself saying on a daily basis:

Lilian, no. No, no, Lilian I said no. No, Lilian, no.

You're not allowed those, they're Daddy's, you have your own library over there. No, Lilian it's heavy, no, Lilian I said no.

Ahhhh are you stroking Monty? Nicely, gently, no don't pull his fur, ah nicely.

In your box, climb in.

Bubs stop sticking your finger in there.

Shall we have a cuddle? Ouch, no don't pull my hair. Ow ow ow, LILIAN.

Say baby Jake. Say Jakey. Say woof woof, where's the woof woof?

Where's Daddy? Where's monkeybum? Where's Raa Raa?

Pooooooo stinky feet.

Do you love mummy? Ah mummy cuddle. Give Mummy kisses. Ahhhh.

Say ooh ooh, monkey monkey. What's this? Beeb beeb, say car. Lilian where's the snake, sssssssssssssss.

I'm sure it's going to get weirder and funnier as she gets older.

Fresh Air.

Ever since I was pregnant (a lifetime ago), I've been craving the countryside. A better life for my family; a quieter, slower life with lots of space and green and fresh air.

I've never made it a secret just how much I love the countryside. I adore The Peak District and the Yorkshire Dales and I love Devon. Somerset is wonderful and I find all of Scotland heartbreakingly beautiful. I would give anything to live in any of these places. And then there are places like Dubai and Australia, who wouldn't love to live in the sunshine?!

One of our trips to the Welsh countryside

A desserted beach in North Devon

My favourite spot - Ilam Hall, Ilam in The Peak District

Malham, North Yorkshire

We've spoken about doing it, moving away, a thousand times and nothing has ever come of it. But just recently I've been feeling angry (believe it or not, this doesn't happen often anymore) about it. Why aren't we doing this? What's stopping us? We could have a better, happier life. We should do it. So why aren't we?????

I know why. It's me that's stopping us from moving. I'm too close to my family to just go, especially now Lil is here. They are my support network, I couldn't cope without them. Unless, of course, they'd move with us. Too much to ask and I couldn't bribe them with Lil, could I? So what's a girl to do? Stay in this grubby town I grew up in, send Lil to the same school I went to? Nothing wrong with that, I know. But in the words of Ariel (The Little Mermaid) 'I want more'.

Guess I better get bribing...

She is ten months.

Today. So that means in exactly two months she shall be one. A year. Twelve months.

One whole year? I need a vodka tonic and a lie down.

Holiday: cancelled.

I'm writing this from my bubble bath. In my house, in England. If you've been keeping up with me on Twitter, you'll know we cancelled our holiday. Lil got sick.

Let's rewind.

Since last Wednesday she has seemed off, I assumed it was her teething. She got worse on Thursday so I booked her in to the doctors for Friday. Her appointment was at 12:40, mine at 1pm. Forty minutes after her scheduled appointment time and after me having to cancel my cervical screening (for the third time in six weeks), we saw the doctor. She has an upper respiratory tract infection. Flying would be more uncomfortable for her but we could still go on holiday. She could get worse, she could get better. She was prescribed paracetamol (It turns out she can't fly with that, just another ill informed diagnosis. Fuck you, NHS)

I mulled this over and my instinct was telling me we couldn't go. I won't bore you with all the things that were running through my head but flying with a sick baby just wasn't an option.

It was definitely the right decision, four very tough, sleepless nights in. I just couldn't have dealt with this situation in a foreign place. And to top off her infection, she's still teething.

Am I upset we couldn't go? No. My daughters health simply isn't worth the risk.

I've had a really hard few days and not a lot of sleep. Today has been super difficult because, although I thought I knew what a tantrum was when clearly I didn't, she has been having real tantrums today. Toddler tantrums. My baby isn't much of a baby anymore.

Anyway, back to the bath. She's just had a nasty, throw herself back tantrum. I'm out of puff (not weed, stupid) so I've been told to 'go away' (charming). I'm having a bubble bath, I haven't had one of these for a while. Let's hope she gets better soon and we can spend this week doing some fun things like looking in to boarding schools.

If not, Mama's just going to hide in the garage with a case of wine and Emmerdale reruns on the iPad. I think it's Daddy's turn for a mental breakdown...


Is precious. This relates to EVERYTHING. The time I spend with my daughter, the time I spend sleeping (not a lot of that is getting done lately), even the time I spend eating is precious (food will always be my first true love).

Babyfree time is so precious. I never really knew just how much until the other day.

Every week, Lil goes to Noo noo's and Grampys for the day for 4/5 hours. I use this time wisely. I jack up (on caffeine), run errands and do the chores all in that time. And everything almost always gets done. Not this week.

I needed to see the doctor but couldn't get an appointment so I had to go and wait. I was told forty minutes. That's fine, I thought, I have emails to send and I can peruse eBay for some spring bargains for Lil. Forty minutes later, I still had six people in front of me. Fast forward another sixty minutes and I was called. I was livid. Doesn't the stupid receptionist know I have a babyfree day? I only have four hours until Lil returns home. Well, not any more. At that point I was down to two.

The point I'm getting at is, as Mother's, I don't think we allow ourselves enough time. Time for cuddles, bubble baths, time to sit and eat cake. Time to rest. There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day. Whether you're a working Mum or your work is at home, there just never seems to be any time for you. Am I right? Of course I am!

So from now on, my one day a week when I'm babyfree is going to be spent on ME. Not running errands or cleaning. I'm going to spend it with friends or drinking coffee very slowly whilst people watching. I might even lay on the sofa and start my MadMen box set or even, although very unlikely, nap.

And I think, where possible, you should do the same.