A bad week turned good.

Last week was full of highs and lows but the highs were pretty damn high.

On Wednesday, Lil and I went to Bristol. Without Tim. I travelled across London with a buggy, a very heavy hiking rucksack (stylin') and a Peppa Pig bag (not to mention a child who weighs a ton) and I did it all without any help from burly, suited men (mainly because chivalry is dead). That, my friends, is an achievement for me.

Train buddy

My usually naughty child was so well behaved for the entire journey, I think I'm still in shock at how easy she made it all. We got to Bristol and hung out at the hotel for the rest of the afternoon after getting rained on quite hard. Thank goodness for CBeebies and yummy hotel food. The reason for this trip was to meet up with some Mum friends and for Lil and I to spend some time away together in a different environment. And do you know what? Since we've been home, she's been really good (apart from the odd tantrum). Mama and toddler breaks are the way forward.

The next day, after some bad news, a stint in soft play hell and lunch at a beautiful tea room, Lil and I headed back to London. After tea and sympathy with some friends I hope will be in our lives forever, I felt happier.

And then it was Friday. 

Instagramming each other

Friday nights are the best if you spend them with a wine guzzling, hot and quick witted midwife. Clemmie and I spent the night out in Whitstable (or Shitstable as it's now known - thanks Janet), eating Spanish food and being harassed by an overly pink faced, drunken twat. I've honestly not laughed that hard in a while.

This week I've learnt that no matter how shit things get, you can always count on your friends to make you smile and lift you up.

And for that, I'm grateful.

Shit* she says...

*'Stuff' just didn't sound right.

'Where are the keys mummy?'
'What keys?'
'The keys'
'Why, where are you going'
'Co-op to buy chocolate egg and wine.'

'I lick the wall'
'No, don't lick the wall'
'I lick it' *licks the wall*
'I'm not going to keep telling you: you must not lick the wall'
'I lick it' *licks wall again*
'That makes Mummy sad'
'Sorry mummy, I love you' *licks the wall*

'Look Mummy, horse' *sits on dog*
'Monty isn't a horse, Lil'
'I horse ride'
'Get off the dog'
'Me ride the horsey' *Dog sits there*
'Lil, get off now otherwise he will cry'
*laughs and hits the dog on the head*

'Where's my wine?'
'You don't have wine Lil'
'Where is it?'
'You have juice'
'I want wine'

'Me lick wall'
'I lick it'
'That's dirty'
'I do it'
'Don't do it'
*licks wall*

'What would you like for dinner?'
'No, you are not having chocolate for dinner. If you eat all your dinner then you can have some for pudding. What would you like for dinner?'

'I lick wall'
'No Lil, don't lick the wall'
*licks floor*

So now you see why I drink so much.

The only way is up.

It may not have gone unnoticed that I haven't been very positive of late. Lil's bout of naughtiness, where we live and family troubles have all contributed to my misery. If it wasn't for the calming of the sea, I think I would have completely lost the plot by now.

To add to the positivity I'm having to pull out of my backside, I've written a list of things I'm looking forward to once we're back where we were. I love being by the sea (seagull squarking aside), but I miss too much of what we had before. Even if the town we were living in is a shit hole. It's where my comfort blanket resides...

1. The gym. Yes, there's a gym here, but it's a gym without a kettlebells class and shit did that class make a difference to my mentality, my figure, my strength. The class every Sunday and Wednesday really cleared my head and made me feel good. I need that back. As soon as we land, I'm heading back to rejoin.

2. London. It was a twenty minute train journey into the city I've rediscovered my love affair with. Baby, I've missed you. I won't ever talk shit about you again, I promise.

3. Family. Babysitting on tap that I never took advantage of (watch out Mum...). Visits from people to break the day up (I used to get so much done while they entertained Lil - because let's face it, once you have a kid, they're only interested in coming to see the child). Spending the day with my grandparents, sleepovers with my sisters. I took all that for granted. Never again.

4. The local shopping mall. My safe haven. If we didn't have anything planned and the weather was shit, we used to bus it there for Pinkberry and sushi and window shopping. We both miss The Disney Store.

5. Friends. Most of my friends are in London or oop North. But the friends I do have in the town are ones I wouldn't trade for the world. And one of them is due to give birth in a couple of months. I cannot tell you how excited I am!

6. Wilko's! Bargain central.

7. Sainsbo's. The one here is tiny and pretty crap. I miss wandering around aimlessly and occasionally popping there to pick up coffee and cake. Because it was so good.

8. Familiarity. Like I said, it's not the best town in the world. But I have so many happy memories there. And it's steeped in history. 

9. The park. There is a really good country park that we used to spend every Sunday lunchtime at, come rain or shine. It was great exercise, walking round and talking to the cows. A little bit of countryside every weekend.

10. The worlds best chinese takeaway. I absolutely despise chinese takeaway food. It used to make me feel really sick, I don't know why. A bad experience maybe? But there is one place that sells food to die for. It's so good. And I miss it.

So you see, it may be the sixth worst UK town to live in.... but I love it. Because it's my town.

Love is...

Spending fifty years together, fifty hard years. But fifty years filled with love.

A few weekends ago we celebrated my grandparents golden wedding anniversary. It was such a special day filled with emotion. Lil was flower girl and took delight in wearing a 'pweetty dress' and twirling around all day. I got wonderfully drunk and thought a lot about how hard three years of marriage had been. So what's the secret to a long marriage? 'Patience, ignorance and compromise'. From the horses mouth.

(Here you go, Lil: A photo of your parents together - I think that makes it four now)

Leave me alone.

It's four fucking thirty and I've lost my mind. All I can think about is wine and bedtime. I want to quit.

Yes, we are right in the middle of the terrible two's, waist deep in shitty moods and screaming and occasional hitting and pure rage. And that's just her. Every day I sit and google flights to Ibiza and New York and hope that I win the Euromillions so I can just fuck off on my own and have some space. I want to scream. MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY I WANT THIS I WANT THAT MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY.


My head feel fuzzy and my brain hurts from trying to keep her occupied while I work and try to find us a new home as well as researching nurseries and child minders and praying to the house gods that someone snaps this one up pronto before I really lose it and end up being carted off by the mental police.

I want to cry. Sob all over the place and smash plates and then go to sleep for a thousand years. Why is two such a hard age? She's turned in to a monster, a gob foaming, screaching monster. And I just can't be bothered with it most of the time. That's awful isn't it?

WORDS OF WISDOM SOMEBODY, PLEASE. It gets better once they hit three, riiiiiiight?

Dear Lil: I've quit my degree.

Dear Lil

One day I shall get this blog made into a book for you to read once you're an adult. It will be for you use a guide on how not to parent your own children, if you are stupid enough to have them. It will also be available for you to read to understand how hard motherhood is and how much of a nightmare you were.

But this is where we're at right now: I'm going back to work. Not full time and for nobody other than myself, I'm going to be freelancin' it up. That way we can still hang out and scream at each other.

You're a handful at the moment and that's partly why I'm going back to work. We drive each other insane and I'm pretty sure that will never end. I need to regain some sanity and make some money because watching you strut in your lovely clothes while mine fall apart just ain't cutting it for me anymore. I need to feel... freedom and as though I'm of some use in this world (other than cook, cleaner, slave, nag, ironer etc). I need to feel money in my pocket. Because money does make the world go round and it'll put pretty clothes on my back too. Please don't be shallow like your mama.

I've quit my degree. I advise you not to follow in my footsteps. Go to uni at 18 if you want to and stick at it. I didn't because I wasn't enjoying it. It'll be different for you because those years will be the best. Boozy and fun. But don't you be getting too drunk.

Please don't ever think that I will ever stop loving you, not for one second. Because even after the most horrendous shit fits, I always love you harder. And don't think I don't enjoy hanging out with you... you make me laugh like no other. I just need to be around grown ups too. I'll obviously still talk about you loads when I'm not with you. Because even though sometimes I don't want it to, the conversation always steers back to you.

Stay feisty you little monster.

This is all for you.