Remember when I decided to go back to work and then freaked out?

That. Kinda.

I sat there this morning thinking about all the wonderful things Lil and I would do during our up and coming trip to New York. Granted, she won't remember any of it. But we'll have pictures and I'll have the memories. And then I thought, how the hell am I going to afford to do half the things I want to? Not all of it's free. And then I panicked.

It was my decision to become a mother and it's easily the best, most fulfilling one I've made. I'm so lucky that I can stay at home to look after her. But I'm about to do a whinge now so please bear with me...

I miss pretty things. Buying a new pair of shoes and grinning for a month because my feet look lovely. Or  coming home with some new clothes that make me feel good. I know, as mothers, we sacrifice a lot for our children. I'm more than willing to do this. I do do this. I would sell everything I own for my daughter. But just recently, I've been feeling pretty rubbish about the lack of new things in my wardrobe. I know this is selfish and materialistic and I hate myself for it. But I'm only human.

I really need to get a job. But if I went back to work, it would have to be part time. That's non-negotiable. So I looked, I found a few. I worked out how much I'd get a month minus nursery fees, minus travel. Guess how much I was left with...... minus £££££. I'm better off not going back to work and wearing knickers with holes in.

My heart hurts. I won't go back to work full time. Not yet, it goes against my personal beliefs as a mother. I must remember how lucky I am. I do remember. She reminds me everyday when I look at her. But I miss my job, I miss the money.

I miss that bastarding, evil paper that pays for prettiness and smiles.

(sorry to all my twitter readers...)

Whoever decided Mums don't get paid a salary: FUCK YOU. Our job is the god damn hardest. FUCK YOU. I need news clothes. FUCK YOU.


  1. I truly understand because I feel exactly the same way (well, not about shoes and clothes because I've never 'got' the fashion thing) I want to be able to afford to live somewhere with a garden, where bella can have a room that's big enough for a full size single bed (ok, I'd also like her to have a double but that's probably too ambitious)

    I just miss not being able to buy treats, to be able to afford the cost of travelling to visit people - I wish we could afford to live on the salary afforded by a part time job because even if I didn't have bella that's all I could manage because of my health; kinda sucks to be us eh?!

  2. Yup, I work and I STILL can't afford those things! I justify it because a) I love my job b) it gives me a break (unbearably guilty for even thinking that but I know you get me) and c) it's my business and it's building a future for my kids.

    Practically though, if you get tax credits you may get help towards nursery fees and some employers offer nursery vouchers as a benefit regardless of income (for both parents, poss worth Tim making enquiries?)

    In just under 2 years she'll be eligible for 15hrs a week free childcare. I know, I know, it's 2 years away but think how fast the last year's gone, it'll be here in no time.

    Until then, theres always eBay...