I've had many fears. Some have stayed with me, others dissolved.

Before I started my previous role, I was petrified of flying. I would bear the flight for the sake of the holiday, usually because I needed the holiday like Russell Brand needs a shag. But it wasn't easy. Then I started a new job that involved regular stints on planes. With time, my fear of flying diminished. And then last week happened.

In the space of a week, I had three nightmares. Prior to this, some four months ago, I had a dream Lil and I were on a Virgin flight to meet Tim in New York. She was sitting on my lap when all of a sudden I heard screams. And then the entire plane went up in flames. But the dreams nightmares I had last week were more vivd each time.

Again, we were on a flight to NY but this time with Tim. The plane crashed and there were no survivors. The following night we were on the same flight but there were terrorists aboard, we didn't survive that one either. And then two nights ago, I dreamt that Tim died. I don't know how, he just disappeared and it was all so real. They were all so very real.

So here we are. I am now crippled with fear about our impending trip. Every time I think of it, like now, my chest tightens. I feel out of breath and a huge sense of panic sweeps over me. It's silly, so I'm told. It will be fine, I will be fine. Except it won't and neither will I.

Before I became a Mother, before I was pregnant, not much bothered me. Spiders freak me out, I still have a fear of the sound of cotton wool tearing (I know) and like most people, I fear age. All fears that have stuck with me from the beginning. But now I have this responsibility, another life, I have new ones. Mainly, I fear death. So you can understand, although you may think I'm being ridiculous, why I am so scared of flying. In my mind, after these nightmares, we aren't going to survive this flight.

Lets not get in to statistics, they won't quash this fear in the slightest. The fact that I'll have a toddler to look after onboard an almost seven hour flight? Darling, you think that'll preoccupy me? That I'll not notice every bump and that every second won't be painful? Neck a few vodka tonics and I'll be fine, right? Wrong.

Have I considered just not going? Yes, I really have. But it's New York. New York. I've been waiting to go back for two years, I miss it. I miss how it makes me feel. I want to roam the streets with Lil and, in years to come, show her the pictures.

I'm going to the doctors on Tuesday and I'm hoping he'll prescribe me something a little stronger than Calms. And if he doesn't? I'll just have to neck those vodka tonics and hope for the best. I just can't promise I'll be on the flight home...

(You can get a boat back, right?)


  1. Oh huni. I really feel for you. I have nightmares like that that feel so real & there's nothing anyone can say to get that 'sick in the throat' feeling to go. If doc doesn't help could you try hypnosis? No idea if that kinda thing actually works but anything worth a try eh! I'll be thinking of you on Thursday & sending you positive everything to get you there safely. Focus on landing safely & that amazing holiday you're going to have. xx

    1. I wish I had time for hypnosis. It's so annoying because I was fine before. I think it's Lil's fault! I worry about EVERYTHING now! xxx

  2. Great post and I am totally with you. I thought you were joking when tweeting about drugs! I seriously do get diazapan from my doctor and it helps the fear.
    I know what you mean about statistics not helping. We went to NY at New Year and I had very similar thoughts about being a Mum, plane crashes and god forbid- dying.
    However I thnk you must settle yourself on the thought that you want to get there. You can only control your feelings not the plane. And it is a very short space of time in your life.
    Will stop rambling.
    DO get diazapan from your doctor.
    So excited get to take your baby there. We took our first son two years ago&it was fab.

    1. I don't joke about drugs. Or booze. Or food. Great advice, if I think of how much amazing food I'm going to consume and all the trashy TV I'll watch at bedtime I'm sure I'll be fine! I'm so excited to take Lil there (not that she'll remember it)! xxxxx

  3. Oh god hun I haven't had nightmares that vivid since I was pregnant, but I remember how disturbing they were so to have the dreams you're having about something that you HAVE to do..well I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

    I hope the Dr can help you out because it just seems cruel to expect you to get on with it.

    *Biggest hugs*


    1. That bastard doctor was cruel! No drugs for me :( It's awful isn't it? No we're Mums it's so much bloody worse. Thanks xxx

  4. I know EXACTLY how you feel, and it almost makes me feel a bit better knowing that somebody else feels the same way as I do! (sorry)
    Although I do not have a specific fear of flying I do have a fear of dying, and death in general so things like going on rollercoasters, planes, even sometimes driving sends me into a vivid day dream about crashes, terrorists or the millions of other things that might happen in this life. For these reasons I don't live adventurously and often feel like I'm missing out on something. Since becoming a mother its like I have become obsessed with it. I'm constantly thinking of things that could/might happen to the boy or to myself (I want to stay alive for my son)and I try not to read the hundreds of stories about lamp posts falling on buggies and hit and runs. Every bump is cancer and every pain is a life threatening illness.
    But it has gotten better. I hope that as E grows and gets stronger and more independent I'll stop worrying so much about him and in turn about myself. Atleast until the next baby comes along! (at the rate I'm going, I'll be a nervous wreck by then!)Ha.
    Sorry for the long post, just wanted you to know that you weren't alone.