I seemed to have lost them somewhere around August 2008. My hormones appear to have gone AWOL too.
You see, I'm broody again. I think it's a mixture of a few of my friends getting pregnant/giving birth that's done it. And the fact that Lil isn't really a baby anymore.
Before I got pregnant I was whimsical to say the least. I've had to curb it quite a bit since then, for obvious reasons. I'd all of a sudden decide something and then seconds later I would have gone through with it. I'm just not that kinda girl anymore (much to my husbands relief...it got costly). Or maybe I am?
The last few days I've been thinking about baby number two a lot. Even more so after reading Abigails post. I don't want another one. I do want another one. The time isn't right, maybe next year. Why not now? Lil has been an absolute nightmare today, I can't handle two of that. I really want another baby... And on it goes.
I think what I really miss is being pregnant, even though it was hell most of the time. I remember the good days, at around five and a half months for two months or so, when I felt great (I didn't look it). I miss the bump, her hiccups, watching her move around in my belly while I was in the bath. I miss our secrets, our private world nobody else was invited in to.
Lil takes the photo albums from the shelf and sits and looks at pictures of herself (bit narcissistic) and kisses the pictures of the 'baba'. It hurts my ovaries, she'd be such a good big sister (albeit a very bossy, controlling one). I think it's a sign...
And then I stop myself.
I couldn't go through it again. The worry. I need to get to twelve weeks. Phew, everything is ok. Anomaly scan.... ok, all is good. A knock, a fall, sent me into the worst panic. No movement all day and I'd be terrified. A pregnancy is physically and emotionally exhausting (and mentally, according to Tim), throw that and a toddler in to the mix.....
But Alice is about to do it. Ruth does it. Emma is pregnant with number two. Jenny has two boys. No biggie, right? RIGHT?! Kaisa has THREE!
I mean, how hard can it be?
(No Mum...I'm not pregnant)