So we've nearly reached a year. I've survived! I'm not locked up in a padded room somewhere!
This is a massive achievement, right? And I'm pretty proud of myself. But it hasn't been easy. In fact, it's been bloody hard and I've done it all (pretty much) without a guide book.
Here are some of the things I wasn't told to expect in the first year:
The first six weeks are hell. They are the longest and hardest six weeks you shall ever endure...
Until the babe starts teething. With a cold.
For the first few months you'll only eat cake and biscuits (that's actually a bit of a lie, it's still pretty much all I eat...)
Getting drunk isn't fun after you've had a baby. Because one screamy baby + one very hungover Mama does not equal anything good.
Those huge granny pants you wore throughout your pregnancy and the first few months of being a mother? You'll still be wearing them when your kid is about to turn one (that's not just me, is it? They're so comfy).
No matter how hard you try not to, you will bribe your child with chocolate/tv/crisps.
You'll think you've got the hang of changing a very wriggly baby's nappy and feel all smug about it while you sing 'Elmo's song' to keep them still. And then one day it won't work anymore and you'll get covered in shit.
Baby sick does not taste good.
The TV makes a great babysitter (while you do the chores, not go to the pub).
You will get judged on every level possible by people that a) don't have kids and b) don't have a clue. DO NOT listen and take zero notice.
You will never get used to three hours of sleep no matter how much you try to kid yourself and others around you. 'I only got three hours but I feel ok' translates to 'three fucking hours, I'm dying, get me a bucket of coffee and some sunglasses'.
Feeding a baby while dosing takes great skill. Something a man will never be able to achieve.
You will multi task like you've never multi tasked before.
There will be days when your heart is full of joy. And then the child will have a massive meltdown in the supermarket and you'll reach for the nearest bottle of alcohol. Just when you thought things were getting easier, it gets harder.
You'll find friends in the unlikeliest of places and they'll be wonderful and supportive and they'll turn in to very good friends that you want to keep forever and ever.
Your relationship with the baby daddy will be tested to (and often way above) the limits. It may work out, it may not. As long as the babe is smiling...
Bedtime is the best time of the day (even though you tell everyone waking up to your beautiful child's face is).
Drinking at 1pm will seem like a good idea when you've had a bad morning. STAY AWAY FROM THE BOOZE.
There's a whole lotta stuff they leave out isn't there? And that hasn't even scratched the surface.
Here's to the next year of finding out what else they left out!