If I were Prime Minister...

I got mum flu again ain't I?! And when that happens I usually ramble on about a load of nonsense and nobody really pays attention but I do it anyway. Cleansing of the mind, I like to call it. Cranium spring clean (see, I'm doing it now...)

Today's topic is Politics.

I don't like to get too involved in Politics. Not because I'm ignorant (I follow it all) but for the sake of my blood pressure. If I comment on all the goings on I'm bound to offend somebody so I keep my thoughts to myself (about the only time I do).

If I was the Prime Minister, things would be very different. Let's just imagine we live in an ideal world...

Pedicures would be available on the NHS. It's important that our feet are in good condition, right? Because a lot of the time we are on them all day, especially if your child has just learnt to crawl or walk.

All parents would have a holiday entitlement of 21 days a year to spend child free (oooh I'm planning mine already...).

Footballers salaries would be cut and that money would be spent on retraining for all existing midwives (the ones with bad attitude, anyway) and recruiting and training new ones. Ones that smile and make you feel ok for not boob feeding. We have enough mum guilt as it is goddammit.

The postman would have to call before 11am. Because when I was a kid, he often used to post your letters through the door before you were up. It's not right that he bangs on the door at 2pm, not right at all.

During the school holidays ALL children over four would be banned from shopping centres and HAVE to attend school holiday club (like I did).

Every pregnant woman would have to spend at least one trimester living in a spa (in which case I'd have as many babies as possible. Oh. I see a problem with this...)

Games consoles would be banished from the country.

Afternoon tea would be compulsory. At 3pm EVERYONE would have to stop what they were doing and eat cake. BECAUSE I'M THE PRIME MINISTER AND THESE ARE MY RULES.

Every man and woman would be entitled to fourteen duvet days a year and every Thursday would be declared 'Pyjama Thursday'.

And while we're on days of the week, I'd also declare Monday 'Mojito Monday'.

All clothes sizes would be replaced by letters. People shouldn't be made to feel bad about their size. But there wouldn't be F because then they'll think it stands for fat.

The Daily Mail would have to close down. Soz.

All shops would shut on a Sunday (except for the Tesco Express down the road because that's handy for when you've run out of baby milk).

Recycling would be compulsory. People are too damn lazy.

If you smoke where there's a no smoking sign you have to spend 40 days and 40 nights in a cell with Boris Johnson and David Cameron, while Rolf Harris plays Britney's 'Oops I did it again' on the didgeridoo. Gutted.

What a better place the country would be if I ran it, right?

(Please note, the above post is just a bit of fun - don't take offence, but if it's too late and I've offended you... Well, sorry about that. But I'm not really sorry because I'm sick so I'll say what I like because I'm tired and run down and I have a teething, scratchy toddler to deal with so how about you just cut me some slack. Thanks.)