The elephant.

I realised something yesterday. I kinda realised it a week or so a go but it was yesterday that it clicked. Really clicked.

In this house, my depression is the big fat elephant sitting in the corner on top of the ironing pile I still haven't got round to. I know it makes my husband uncomfortable. I know my family think I'm being dramatic. But here's the thing... I HAVE DEPRESSION.

When the doctor diagnosed me, I took the prescription and hurried out of the surgery. It's still in the drawer upstairs, I'm yet to swap it for anti-depressants. I'm trying to kick it on my own. Am I succeeding? Ask me next week.

But what I realised yesterday is that, once again, I've been transported back to my twelve year old self: an excruciatingly shy, awkward mess. I don't know why, I used to be so good at letting go and being crazy. But something has shifted and it hurts again.

Sometimes, I dodge socialising. What if my hair looks shit? Or my make-up too much? What if I look fat that day or I'm wearing something that looks stupid? Where has this come from? Where has my confidence gone? I've made plans and cancelled them last minute because I just cannot bear to risk any of the above. I find it hard to be silly. Stupid, seeings as I have a kid. But around her, I'm fine. I don't mind looking like a tool, it's around other Mum's I have a problem.

Motherhood isn't a competition, christ knows I know a lot of Mum's suffering with depression. And most of these Mums are crazy. Jolly, loud, fun, outgoing Mums. So why can't I let go?


  1. Take the pills and once you feel better, letting go will be the natural next step. You won't have to force it. xxx

  2. ...and those Mums are thinking EXACTLY the same about you. How we feel on the inside is often betrayed by how we act, especially when the kids are there, we all use them as a shield, right?!

    Depression is a bastard which saps your confidence right at a time when it's at an all-time low anyway. I hope you get the support from your husband & family, you need their understanding. In the meantime, yes, perhaps it's time to take the pills to take the edge off & start to feel more 'you' again.

    Much love xxx

  3. Oh bless you! I know exactly how you feel. And yes, Lydia has it right - often other Mums are thinking/feeling the exact same thing. Maybe give the meds a go? Might be just what you need. Sending hugs xxx

  4. Pills give me shudders too but then I enjoy smoking pot more than once a week during the day if it's around... (and if kiddies are aleep or entertained!) which definitely takes the edge off. Im not sure if I have depression but motherhood sure plays crazy with your head and self esteem. Dont cancel your plans anymore- research the pills prescribed and find out more about natural remedies and if it clicks with you- maybe go for it. Excercise is a great depression kicker - maybe a few nights out dancing can help. Good luck xx

  5. Big love to you Charlotte. Lydia is right - we often mask what is going on inside by how we act. I've been thinking about this post since I read it a few hours ago and all I want to say is that depression is an absolutely retched thing, more than an elephant in so many people's rooms, families and relationships. Take the time to give yourself a break and maybe the pills will afford you some head space as Jo and Lydia say. So much love to you xx

    Ps - only looking at your photos today I was wondering how you look so effortlessly beautiful and gorgeous all the time - you really do! (not that it changes how you feel, but needed to tell you)

  6. Aww hun x
    I had a nervous breakdown at 21, before which I was on beta blockers for anxiety. After which they dosed me up on some high strength prozac..there not great, they made you feel..nothing. BUT sometimes nothing is better than sad..sometimes.
    I took myself off them after a year without telling any DR's, I felt ready and I've not needed anything since. At the time they were right for me, maybe try them and see.
    Really Cognitive Behavioral therapy or counselling would be far better, but they cost money so they will always give you pills first. They told me at the time it was a two year waiting list! xx

  7. I don't want this to come out wrong but this post makes me feel so relieved! Having just realised I have post natal depression/ anxiety i'm all about other mothers who are struggling but seem to be doing so well. Which you do! I wouldn't have guessed by your 'online' personality that you suffer from depression. I'm having some CBT like Fritha recommends, supposed to be brilliant, maybe check that out too. In the meantime, take the pills if you feel like it, doesn't have to be forever. x

  8. I used to feel like that most of the time but then i took the pills and they have helped me tremendously, thery havent made everything totally amazing and i have come to terms with the fact that i am not the same person i was before children and never will be but they allow me the ability to carve out a new me. xxx

  9. can I recommend a wonderful book 'women and desire' by Polly Young Eisendrath. There's a chapter in it called hothouse mothering and the divine child, reading it made me think of this post the elephant