I have a job.

Lil's father said when I told him I was having a bad day.

He couldn't come home and help me, because he works full time in a big office full of self-important dickheads. His job is far too important and he cannot just leave. He is the one who pays for the clothes I'm sitting in (which are actually falling apart), he pays for the coffee I'm drinking and the food that sits uneaten in the fridge. He pays the for central heating that shouldn't really be on because it pisses him off that I have it on quite a bit (it's fucking minus 3 out). He cannot hear the desperation in his wife's voice, he cannot leave early. He makes the money, he is breadwinner and he bangs his chest. Anyway, he said, he will go in late tomorrow to give me some time back. What a guy!

I'm being negative aren't I? And quite harsh and nasty. Well do you know what? I don't fucking care. I'm having a bad day and I'm getting zero support from the man who wanted a child. That's not fair, I hear him whine. Ah so that's where Lil got her whining from. It all makes sense now.

Do any of you lot ever have days like this? Oh of course you do. You have vaginas, baby daddies and kids. I feel unappreciated. I feel like a robot. MAKE BREAKFAST GET DRESSED ENTERTAIN CHILD DO THE WASHING IRON CLOTHES CLEAN HOUSE HOOVER ENTERTAIN CHILD LUST AFTER CLOTHES YOU CANNOT HAVE CLEAN TIDY ENTERTAIN CHILD TIDY MAKE LUNCH MAKE DINNER SERVE CHILD AND HER FATHER I AM A MOTHER FUCKING ROBOT. Ohhhhhhhhh MATE.

What the fuck do we have to do to feel like we are ACTUAL human beings who deserve care and attention and pretty things? Somebody please tell me. I'm sick to the teeth of feeling like a servant and then when I moan about it... 'I don't ask you to do my washing and ironing...' Babe, say that again and see what happens. I dare you. Dare dare double dare. Go on.

I am grateful that I can stay home and look after Lil (most of the time) and thankful he suggested I do this degree and he'd continue to 'provide for me'. I really am. I have zero income, I don't get paid to do my job (because let's face it, being a mother is a job a lot of the time) although men think them 'providing' for us is our salary. NEWSFLASH: it ain't.

So I find myself in a not very nice predicament. I'm sick of having no money, of having a wardrobe that is three quarters empty. I don't need to do this degree, it's a luxury - totally. Another luxury I am grateful for. But I want to feel alive again, not feel like a piece of machinery HAVE A SHOWER CLEAN THE KITCHEN PUT CHILD TO BED TIDY IRON. As much as it would be amazing to study again, study something I adore... a large part of me thinks going back to work and having some dollar in my pocket may save my sanity. Because as much as 'money isn't everything', it sure as hell makes you feel good when you can stroll in to a shop and buy that dress you like without your husband huffing and puffing, because it's your money you worked hard for.

I'm selfish, I know. But I'm only (a robotic) human.

9 comments:

  1. Oh woman, I hear what you're saying! I freaking live with my mother (meaning: she lives with us) so that I can work and stay sane. I cannot count on my husband during the week because he cannot leave work early. Sometimes he does the main thing is that that I cannot count on him because his job is so unpredictable... when a client calls he jumps and works all night and then some :|
    So.... I live with my mother :|
    Whether or not that is an option for you (most people tell me I'm CRAZY for having moved my mother in), there has to be AN option for you - finding part time work is tricky but maybe not impossible... finding affordable and trustworthy childcare is tricky but probably doable (shared childminder? grandparents?)

    Anyway, rambling a lot but I do feel for you and hope you'll find a way... a solution that helps you be YOU again :)

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  2. Oh god, I couldn't agree with you more! Its totally a man thing! They never seem to see further than themselves. I could run myself ragged all day cleaning, tidying, washing and cooking and all HE would do would be complain because I'd put the box for the Playstation game he was IN THE MIDDLE OF PLAYING WITH away. Well balls to it! I do enough to make myself happy now (I get itchy if it gets too filthy) but no more. I don't think he's even noticed.

    I hate having to talk to him about money, I work two days a week and earn 30% of what he earns, but I'm still expected to pay 50% of the bills. God help me if I ask him to buy washing powder/dishwasher tablets/cleaning stuff, he rolls his eyes like I'm wasting all his precious cash. Its like saying "You can do all the crap jobs AND pay for the stuff you need" and then not to even bloody notice- well! Grrrr.

    I have no words of wisdom I'm afraid, just utmost sympathy.

    Kate xx
    Just Pirouette and Carry On...


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  3. PS. To my husband's defense I have to record it on the Internet that when he IS at home, he does a lot! (probably more than me :| )

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  4. Hell yeh . Why dont they get it?!?!
    Some days you just feel like a slave don't you?
    I feel your pain

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  5. My god I hear you. We can only just survive on my hubby's wage so I work freelance for nice food and odd holiday. Work was mounting up so last night, as he was home early, I went to office, shut the door and made it clear I was at work and un-contactable until baby bedtime. SEVEN times he came in. SEVEN, and mainly 'just to say hello.' I am planning to turn up in his classroom next week and interrupt seven times as he teaches and see how he gets on with that!

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  6. I know what you mean about the robot thing, I miss being able to dress like a person and not a rag bag, or have a coffee without being jumped on.
    I'm pretty lucky on the husband front, he'd drop stuff and come (but I'm too stubborn to ask)

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  7. And this is why I think we need to start paying mothers to stay at home. Seriously. Everyone from politicians to our children's fathers to even ourselves sometimes thinks being at home is somehow not as much 'work' as going daily to a job. Until mothers get paid to raise children i worry a little it will always be the case. I sympathise ;)

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  8. Oh gosh I so hear you... I have felt like this many times over the years. At the end of the day (now that my children are 5 & 8) I've reached the conclusion that the only thing I have the power to change is my attitude, because I really came to resent my 'role'/job.

    And as you said, creating my own income, (which I now do) - and it DOES help.

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  9. I hear you.
    And now I'm a little scurred.

    At the moment I work full time (as does husband) and I go NUTSO periodically because although we are both working I somehow pick up the lions share of housework crap.

    But I've quit my lawyer job because *that* was a one way road to misery FOR CERTAIN for us, despite the prestige and good money coming in (I just loved being called a 'part-time mother' in particular. Plus 3am finishes. awesome) and I want to spend more time with the kid and said husband...

    It's my last day in the office this Thursday and I guess I'm going to find out exactly how the two stack up for me.

    I feel women get shortchanged a lot, to be honest. Whether they stay at home or go out to work.

    My solution is sarcasm and feminism, but there's likely a better way.

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