I've spent the entire weekend questioning my decision to go back to work. I woke up yesterday morning and it started to dawn on me that maybe I had made a mistake. I tried to push it to the back of my mind and was reassured by a handful of people that it was the right thing to do. I was going to be fine, I kept telling myself.
It wasn't until my Dad and his girlfriend came round that I really started to panic. She works in a nursery and was telling me about a little girl she looks after that had just started to walk. Previously she had shown no interest in walking but that day she had taken her first few steps. When her mother had collected her later that day, she gently broke the exciting news that her daughter could now walk knowing that the child's mother would be upset she missed it.
What if I missed Lil's first steps? I promised myself I wouldn't return to work until she was one and here I was, thinking about what to wear on my first day. I know she could start walking at any time and there is a possibility I wouldn't be there to see it but at least I would be close by and not busy at work. I could get to her easily and quickly if she was at my Mums or Nans.
I spent the rest of the evening wondering what to do. Lil is teething again with her next two teeth and has been very clingy and I found myself crying when she fell asleep on my chest, this isn't something she has done before. I put this down to hormones, doubting my decision to return to work and feeling emotional with Lilian.
And then I woke up after not a lot of sleep in a panic again. I couldn't go to work at 8am on zero sleep could I? I knew I was being silly and thought that two hours at a spa would put me right. I was tired and emotional.
During two hours of blissful pampering I just couldn't switch off. My brain was whirring at the thought of work. I would miss Lil's breakfast and dinner times. These were often the funniest times of the day when I'd always noticed something new about her. Two days at work Charlotte, that's nothing.
When I got home I spoke to my Mum about it. And of course she made it all better.
Money means nothing, it's all about happiness.
So for now I won't be returning to work. Lil will still go to my Mum's once a week and round to Noo noo's to play for the day and this time alone will be spent doing things that make me smile.
I know I've pissed a few people off with my decision but I'm happy with the way things are right now.