Black heart.

Recently I have found myself struggling with being a Mum.

I don't know if it's because Lil is teething like a mother fucker and I'm super tired and cant seem to get rid of my cough, because she's quickly turning in to a Daddy's girl or because we just haven't bonded yet.

I've been thinking a lot about whether or not we've bonded. Some days I'm full of pride when I look at her and she melts my black heart with her smiles. Other days I look at her and think to myself how much she's ruined my life and when she's really playing up I think I hate you. And then she'll stop and I'll feel like a monster for wanting my old life back for a split second. I don't hate her. Sometimes I dislike the mood she's in or the way she's being but I don't dislike her.

She doesn't want to be affectionate: she hates cuddles, she wont fall asleep on me. Is this all my fault?

Would she be more affectionate if I had breastfed? Would I be feeling this way if I had breastfed? I've read that babies who aren't breastfed have bonding issues with their mother both when they're young and when they're adults. I know a lot of Mums that are breastfeeding/have breastfed and they and their babies seem so content. Don't get me wrong, there are days when Lil seems like the most peaceful, happy baby in the world. But would I feel at peace if I'd have done what is natural? Or maybe it's because I never had a natural birth?

I guess I'll never know now. It's just something that is continually playing on my mind, Especially when she gives me one of her looks that says fuck you (obviously she doesn't know what that means, I HOPE).

Let's hope it just the teeth and lack of sleep and that it gets better.

Otherwise I will end up in a straight jacket.


  1. I breastfed bella and trust me, she was a little cow up to just before her 1st birthday - unless i wasfeeding her she didn't want me at all; daddy yes, nonna yes, aunty dani yes - me? Nope.

    I guess it's just grit your teeth and get through the first year then enjoy the non-teething little person developing before your very eyes; if lils is anything like mine she'll come around and be a total mummys girl once the pain stops.

  2. Yep, mine was 'spirited' too (snort). Really bloody tricky almost all the time till somewhere around the eight month mark. I was too exhausted and (in retrospect) low to notice exactly when things changed but at some point I woke up and realised things were 70% fun 30% nightmarish rather than the other way round. I'm not even going to patronise you with the 'bright children are difficult' line. It just WILL get better.