Remember, remember. Or rather forget.

Last night, husband and I were talking about the birth of Lilian. I can remember a few things like feeling them make the incision in my tummy, him leaving me whilst they were finishing, having tea and toast after and being sick but a lot of it is a blur.

What I do remember is the three days that followed. Quite possibly the worst three days of my life. After a horrendous labour which resulted in a c-section that was equally horrendous, I spent the next three days in a lot of pain looking after a screaming baby I couldn't shut up. I was expected to get out of bed to make her a bottle when I could hardly walk. I didn't have a clue what I was doing. Was I winding her properly? Holding her the right way? It didn't come naturally like they said it would, I was in too much pain to concentrate and she wouldn't settle. I didn't like her much, I wasn't supposed to feel like this was I? The night before I was due home I asked to be discharged. That request was met with a laugh and 'go and get some sleep'. I asked husband to come and get me but he said the same. No one understood just how much pain I was in and I hadn't slept for a week. I was exhausted. I was suicidal.

People ask me why I don't want another baby. That's your answer right there. After such a horrendous experience I really don't want to put myself through that again. You may think feeling suicidal is a tad extreme but that evening I just wished I'd died in theatre.

Nobody prepares you for the trauma of giving birth, either naturally or by section. People forget that having a Caesarean is major surgery, they expect you to be up and about enjoying motherhood. Some have the easiest of labours and that's lucky for them. I wasn't so lucky and I know a few others that have experienced worse.

I'd like to think the more fun times I have with Lil, the less I'll remember about the birth. That's something I'm trying to forget in a hurry.

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