This morning we both woke up in a grump.
I had a rant to the husband about how I want to go back to work. 'She can go to daycare, I'm tired of her strops'. I'm exhausted and feel like I'm not even a person anymore, just a mummy. A robotic mummy.
I love spending every day with her (ok, maybe that's a lie because when she's being stroppy I feel like leaving her on someone's doorstep) and want to be the one that witnesses all her 'firsts'. But I need to be me again, I'd eventually like to go back to work and go out and get drunk and be silly. All this being a responsible mother is draining, if I don't do something silly soon I'll go mad.
If I hadnt left my previous job I'd be going back in three months anyway. So why do I feel guilty? Is it normal to feel like this?
I don't remember seeing my Mum much when I was little, she went back to work and my Nan looked after me most of the time when I wasn't in daycare. I'm very close to my Nan and I don't think this would be the case if I wasn't with her for a huge part of my childhood.
Did my Mum feel guilty leaving me? I haven't asked but she didn't have much choice. Her and my Dad divorced when I was a baby so she had to go to work to support us. I'm still close to my Mum but I'm beginning to wonder if we would have had a better relationship in the past if she had been a stay at home Mum or at least a part time one?
She did an amazing job bringing me up and gave me everything but the sacrifice was she had to go to work so we spent less time together.
I want the closeness with Lilian that I have with my Nan but I want to go back to work. It is very rare that you see a part time version of what I did and full time isn't an option right now. So what's the answer? Be a full time Mum until she goes to school and go insane? Bite the bullet, go back full time and come home in time to put her to bed? Watch her grow into a little madam or have someone else see it?
I don't know what the answer is right now. I shall just continue to eat guilt for breakfast.