Shrek? Again? For the fifteenth fucking time this week? Ok darling!
Do you think you could not wipe your bloody snotty nose all over Mummy's new sofa? Let Mummy wipe your nose poppet.
Eat your god damn dinner or you can go without. Ok don't worry, Mummy will make you something else for tea.
Hit me one more time and I'll put mustard on your tongue. You mustn't hit Mummy, Lil. It hurts and it makes Mummy sad. Go on, do it again you little brat and I'll stamp on your toys.
Oh dear, you mustn't draw on Mummy's nice new cushion. Let's go and draw in your colouring book. Unless you want me to snap all your crayons in half?
Stop fucking whining. All you do is whine. I have a headache and I'm tired. Shut up whining. Oh darling what's wrong? Are you teething? Let Mummy give you a cuddle.
Daddy will be home in an hour. And then I'm going to get drunk.
Lilian get your head out of the toilet please. Unless you want me to flush you down it...
It's not even 10am and you've made a mess everywhere. I can't handle you today. Shall we put CBeebies on?
Oh Lilian, stop being silly. Not another fucking tantrum. Right, where's the Calpol?
AM I RIGHT?