Today. Before. Back then.

Today has been an absolute fucking write off.

She was up loads in the night and as always, I dealt with it alone. Restless, whiny and clingy (her), livid, grouchy and stabby (me).

This morning consisted of a thirty minute nap which is unusual even though her routine is pretty out of whack anyway. But I thought it would help her bad mood. It didn't.

A trip out. Yes, that would work. We'll go out with Auntie Ellie for frozen yoghurt (my new addiction) and perhaps ten minutes in the Disney store would sort her out. It didn't.

A bottle, that would work. She'd be happier after a bottle seeings as she's pretty much refusing all food right now. It didn't.

A bath, yes. A bath always works. It didn't.

So, as I said, today has been a write off.

But it isn't entirely her fault (or maybe it is). I'm tired exhausted, my skin is a mess (three new spots appeared this afternoon), I feel super low again and fat and my clothes look stupid and I bought a dress thinking I'd look nice in it and I don't and I'm desperate for a new wardrobe and my cuticles have flared up (stress) so I need a manicure but Lilian needs £10 worth of Calpol more.... I feel totally under appreciated and totally overwhelmed how hard this is again. Maybe it's because it has been the three of us for the past week and Tim has taken the weight off for a bit. Maybe it's because she's the clingiest she's been and christ knows I cannot stand clingy.... Maybe it's because I need some quiet, real quiet.

I miss being reckless and drunk and hungover and stupid and irresponsible. I miss it so much my heart hurts. I love her, I love being a Mum. But I can see why women walk away from their responsibilities (for god sake, don't take that and twist it - I'm going nowhere).

I want skinny and vodka and clear skin and laughing til you're sick and staying out late and nice shoes and wolf whistles and looks of lust and head turning and loud music and The White Hart and an hour in Zara and a disposable income. Just for one day. Just one day. I want to be me again, the old me.

Don't tell me you don't feel the same....


  1. I know how you feel, but separate the truth from the illusions. Yes, you're exhausted and she's being difficult. but it's not all bad, you're still blippin hot, you're still gorgeous, you still have hubby, I'm sure he works a lot but maybe he could help out more on a saturday morning or something?
    If you think your old self was awesome, you should look at yourself now. Same ol person, but now with the strength to take care of a kid all day long.

  2. I'm with you on ALL this! I'm sorry you've had a crap day! I truly hope it is better tomorrow for you both. It's the most trying times when your kids are ill isn't it and the tiredness makes you think things that usually you don't think or you can avoid thinking about too much. For everything we give up, it's all worth it being a mummy....but sometimes it feels not quite so! On those days, I tend to indulge in wine o'clock VERY early!!xx

  3. I feel like you have described my life. Teething is hell, illness is crap and toddlers can try your patience. It's so tough for you as well with the lack of sleep but just keep in the back of your mind that you are there when she has needed you, even if the appreciation isn't there at the moment. You are doing the best you can and the good times will come again. They'll be all the sweeter when they do (and the hangovers so much worse!).

  4. *Holds hand up* Me ME! I would love to me the old me for one day..... a week.

    Oh, to go shopping with my pre-mum body and disposable income. To be able to afford reckless nights out, decent skincare products and trips to the beauty salon to cover up those reckless nights out. To be able to spend money on restuarants, taxis and holidays and simultaneously moan that I never have any money without realising the hypocrasy of my actions (oh, I just LOVE when my friends moan to me about their lifestyles in this way).

    I think it gets to me most in summer, when my mates are all going on big villa holidays together and having fun adventures that I'm unable to join in with. I DO miss it, but I don't feel like I'm missing out... if that makes sense.

  5. I hope today has been a better day for you :)
    I totally understand where you are coming from, with k I enjoyed going to work for a break! being a full time mum is bloody hard and you are doing a fantastic job at it!. Just look at Lil and the beutiful, friendly, funny, adorable little girl she is.... thats all down to you!

  6. I've only been a mother for 3 months and I already know what you mean. Any mother still sane after a year is a legend as far as I'm concerned.

  7. Do I feel the same? FUCK. YES.

    I feel a whole bunch of guilty for that too. We tried for ages to get pregnant before giving up thinking that it wasn't possible. Then she came along. Surely then, I should be skipping on rainbows and changing each nappy with a giddy grin on my face?

    Nuh uh.

    I want my stomach to not be two dress sizes bigger than the rest of me. I want to fit into my jeans again. I want to go out to gigs without having to organise it a month in advance. Actually, I want to WANT to go out to gigs again instead of thinking a break is a bubble bath and an early night.
    Damn it I want to eat lunch at lunch time and drink my tea while it's still sodding hot!!

    I guess what I'm saying is, yeah dude. I totally feel the same way. *HUGS*