Mum guilt.

I don't think I've ever felt guilt like it before.

Before her, I rarely felt guilt. It wasn't an emotion that registered on my radar. I guess you could say I was a (bit of a) bitch.

Today, however, I am riddled with it.

Smiley, happy baby.

Tomorrow she goes for her one year jabs (two months late, I know - my doctors surgery aren't the most efficient, they sent me letters for previous jabs but this time....nothing) and I'm dreading it. I felt bad before, when she was a tiny baby and had them but it's nothing compared to how I feel right now.

If she's upset, she gives me a look and all I have to do is scoop her up in my arms and hug her. She cuddles me back, smiles and gets on with it. I'm pretty sure I've never let her get upset on purpose, that sounds silly doesn't it, what I mean is... I don't think I've ever upset her directly. Of course, I haven't let her get her way a few times which has resulted in a strop but I've never made her have that look in her eyes. But tomorrow, I'm letting the nurse hurt her. And yes it's for her own good. But still... I just know she'll look at me and think why did you let that happen Mummy? Oh my heart...

I pray she reacts well to them (ie doesn't scream, get a roaring fever/cough/rash) and that after some Calpol, we spend the day cuddling and watching Minnie Mouse. 

It's bittersweet being a Mama.


  1. Oh sweet jabs are the worst. She may surprise you take her faverout chocolate with you to show her whilst there being done. Will be thinking of you both x

  2. Ouch, poor Lilian... and poor you. Hope it went ok and she doesn't hate you.
    (ooh, and looks like I'll be seeing you at the Tate on Tuesday)!

  3. Oh I feel for you. We took Amelie for her first jabs last week and I felt like the worst mother ever when she screamed bloody murder. I actually cried afterwards as it so feels like you've done something terrible to them. You're bang on saying being a mother is bitterweet. Hope it went okay for you both.

  4. This will be us on Wednesday. i HATE it, but like you say gotta be done :( Hope it all went ok!