3rd trimester LOLZ

You're not going to see your vagina for a while so you'd either better make regular appointments to get waxed or just not bother and go 70's mum bush. I'm told by a midwife (no less) that they really don't care about what your downstairs bits look like, they're only interested in you and that baby. And let's be honest, it's just effort when you get to the third trimester.

You will not be able to get comfortable for shit. Sitting on the sofa, the floor, a cushion, a stool, sleeping on your left, sleeping on your right, sleep sitting up... I've only found relief on a birth ball and even then once restless legs kick in that doesn't help. Let the rage wash over you and go for a walk. Or have a bath.

If heartburn hasn't driven you round the bend yet, you can expect it to turn up at some point in the final stretch of your pregnancy. Here's what I've found helps... NOT mint Gaviscon, apparently you need to steer clear of that shit (mint aggravates it which makes no fucking sense since they make it in that flavour). Opt for the aniseed version, yes I know it's rank but it does help. And I know it has a spunky consistency but needs must... swallow, don't spit.

Harder than it sounds

Now is the perfect time to play the pregnancy card, especially if you've avoided it so far. You can get out of EVERYTHING. Dinner with your mother in law? Nausea is back, sorry, can't stomach the smell of food. Kids party to go to? Pregnancy headache, sorry, you'll have to take the kids instead darling husband. Filling the trolley up with crap in IKEA and your other half is huffing and puffing because you don't need another chopping board and you really don't need anymore fucking plants? Just give him the 'don't fuck with this raging pregnant bitch' stare. It's a card you don't have the privilege of using forever.

You're going to waddle like a duck with something shoved up its backside. Roll with it.

People are going to ask how much longer you have to go and then act shocked when you tell them because "you look fit to burst". They will also say "oh not long to go now" especially when you're in a bad mood and everything is irritating you. Ignore them. Or punch them. Your call.

You are going to wake up one day and want to paint the entire house from top to bottom. Don't, you'll regret it by the time you've finished painting one wall and your vagina has seized up. Get your baby daddy to do that. You stick to ordering new shit online and delegating the tough stuff. There's a packet of biscuits in the cupboard with your name on it.

Piles.

LOLZ.