An odd feeling.

This Easter weekend, although not over yet, has felt rather odd. I'm not sure if it's because I'm coming down with something or maybe it's just a combination of too much booze and far too much sugar... I don't know. I just feel weird.

Boozy night out.

And anyone else  f r e a k i n g  out about this whole Korea business? I mean, I have enough to worry about. One more anxiety attack may send me into the crazy house... Maybe it's a combination of feelings that are leaving me all crazy weird. I do have a mental uni deadline this week too. Maybe that's it....that fucking Dr Faustus.

Freezing cold Easter Sunday walk.

Or maybe, just maybe, it's this bloody weather. My bones are cold and I can't get warm. All I've done is drink tea this weekend (and wine). Maybe it's the caffeine? 

Attempting this recipe.

Perhaps, and this is just an idea, perhaps it's simply because this time next week my beautiful, infuriating monster of a child turns two. Maybe that's why. Because I don't know where the fuck these two years have gone and I don't how I feel about being the mother of a two year old. I feel odd, we've established that. But I feel something else. Sad? Anxious (all day long)? Am I freaking out? Yeah, you could say that. 

Oh to be the mother of that newborn baby again.

Due date.

This time two years ago, Lil was due (she didn't arrive for another 12 days). I know it's naff, the whole 'this time two years ago..' but I've been watching videos of her as a baby and I'm upset that I didn't appreciate those days as much as I should have. Mother's of toddlers: weren't those the easy days?

I used to sit and watch her for hours. Now if I sit and watch her for five minutes she gets the arse and I either have to play whatever game it is she's playing or 'go away'. I miss the newborn stage like you wouldn't believe.

Where did my due date go?

Food.

I wrote about Lil's eating habits a while back and to be honest, they've got worse. She knows what she doesn't want to eat (fruit - apart from bananas, veg... the good stuff) and she's pretty sure what she does want to eat (bananas, occasionally homemade pizza or sushi and chocolate) and when she eats (which isn't often) it's only very little. And now, she's refusing her vitamin drops. I've even tried giving her the sweetie version. Nope, nada.

I'm at my wits end and it's starting to get me down to the point where I feel like it's time to get professional help (my HV has been useless - 'it's a phase', well it's a bloody long one then). But before I start looking in to expensive alternatives, I wondered if anyone else has been through the same? Does it get better? How? Do I have to keep persevering? How long does it last? We sit down at dinner together, the three of us... what am I doing wrong? Is it my fault? All these questions. Can anyone recommend a book on it? Sigh.

This time last year, before she got sick on her birthday, she was eating everything. Fuck you, sickness, you fuck everything up. Wah.

Mummy do it.

I'm not sure if this is a phase or if there's another reason for my whiney daughter insisting I do everything with her... either way, it's annoying. Now we've pulled her out of nursery, I have to study when she's around (if possible and right now it isn't) until I've sat down and worked out a proper schedule (on my ever growing 'to do' list...) where her Dad can take her for a few hours. But until then it's 'mummy do it, mummy help, mummy play, mummy draw, mummy paint'. I wouldn't mind, well I don't mind, but it's all day long. I'll go to wash the dishes and she follows me out, 'mummy draw', I go to the toilet, 'mummy help...' When does it end?!

'Mummy wear Lil's hat'

Whatever happened to being independent, huh Lil? 

We do stuff together every day, every day, but it's not enough. It has to be all day everyday and it's exhausting! And guess what...before we went to NY she dropped her afternoon naps, on her own. So now (unless she's sick) she doesn't nap so that's 1.5 hours I have less to do other stuff. Sweet Jesus, I'm struggling and I'm exhausted.

'MUMMY HELP' Ugh. Glitter regret.

So, Mama's, are there any secrets to juggling the child/chores/studying/fun? Because I need answers, NOW!