A Christmas Fraud.

Statuses about how you miss someone who has died make me cringe. I hope that doesn't make me a horrible person, I just think loss is something very personal. But I'm going to go ahead and be a hypocrite because this post is about loss.

Today, I watched tartan-clad men playing the bagpipes and had to fight back tears. Tears of sadness, desperation, happiness, relief. I managed to fight it until we turned into our street and then I couldn't stop it.

I don't like Christmas. Even though I have a child who brings me so much joy, at this time of year especially. I've tried and tried to fall in love with it and have felt like a fraud imposing on someone else's fun. I'd happily skip it every year.

Ten years ago, on Christmas Day, my Grandad died. Sometimes, you don't realise how much someone has affected your life until they die. I didn't realise how close I was to him until he wasn't there to joke with anymore. I remember everything about him, his smell, how soft his hands were, his belly laugh and how it warmed my heart. I was 18 when he left. I woke up from a Christmas afternoon nap to the sound of the phone ringing and knew it was the call I'd been dreading. I'd spent the morning with him, he was unconcious, but I spoke to him. Kissed him goodbye and told him I'd see him tomorrow. I'd spent nights sitting up with my cousin and the nurse, talking to him, sitting by his side. Praying for weeks he'd recover. When he was conscious he'd ask me if I'd come round for tea and toast. He called me Charlie.

It broke me, his death. It's dramatic but it did. And I never truly recovered, because you don't after someone you loves dies. Do you? People roll their eyes when you get upset at someone who died a long time ago, but it's always going to make you sad. No matter who they were.

Last year, I visited a spiritualist church and he came through. He told me a bunch of stuff that stopped my heart for a second but I felt at peace. After nine years of waiting, I felt as though I could move forward and that maybe the nightmares would stop. And they did, up until a few weeks ago. And now I feel as though it's raw again and I'm desperate for a sign that it's all ok. It's been ten whole years, so much has happened, but it still feels like yesterday I was a girl cooking up elephants toe nails for his dinner. Eating chocolates off his tree and playing snap, listening to bagpipes and dancing like a loon.

Have I depressed you enough yet?!

If you're missing someone this Christmas who isn't here anymore, I'm sending you all the love in the world. Have a long, hard cry and write about your grief. Because sometimes, writing about it make its all better.


  1. Oh Charlotte, I am so so sorry to hear about your Grandad. You write so beautifully about him, I cannot imagine how much you must miss him. Lots of love x

  2. Oh god. I hear you so much. Lots of love. I remember I couldn't sleep for ages after my grandpa died- and he was simply the best person ever. I named my son after him... and - he was born exactly 11 years after my grandpa died- 11th of April. Now, I don't believe in accidents like this...
    Focus on Lil this Christmas and have as calm and good time as possible.
    You're great and I bet He is sooo proud of you!

  3. Beautifully written - I hope that you get a sign, you can feel at peace but at least know that there are people who understand, who hope that in some small way writing this has helped heal a tiny piece of that rawness

  4. So sorry about your Grandad. I was also very close to mine, I lived with him from the age of 4. He died when I was 19 and at uni. I got a call to say he might not make it through the night so I got the first train I could and went straight to the hospital and held his hand. He didn't seem to be conscious but he squeezed my hand and then passed away. I always take some comfort from the fact that I'm sure he waited for me to get there. I was always his special one...following him round the garden, dipping my biscuits in his cups of tea! I remember him doing my tie up for school with a cigarette in his mouth and me trying not to breath in the smoke. I miss him so much. My Dad then passed away nearly three years ago and that feels like yesterday. I don't know whether I believe in spiritualists and things but at really bizarre times his favourite songs come on the radio...like when I took my oldest boy to school on his first day. I had to go back to work and was really upset and his favourite Buddy Holly song came on the radio. I do feel like there are signs from them somehow. It is important to let things out and talk and remember. x