It's taken me five go's to write this post. I know what I want to say but it hasn't really been coming out that great. Let's try again...
I'm unhappy. I'm not sure I want to live here going forward, I'm not enjoying my degree. My anxieties have slowly started to creep back and I've been feeling panicky. Stifled. Lil has been impossible since we've moved, the terrible two's are in full swing and I've felt trapped inside a black hole. I've been ignoring that awful feeling you get when you realise you've made a massive mistake because I thought this move would be the best thing for my family. Turns out I was wrong.
So I've been wracking my brain, trying to figure out how to fix these feelings. For four weeks. And then one morning last week, I woke up with fire in my belly. I knew what I wanted for the first time in three years.
To go back to work.
So that's what I'm going to do. Quit my degree, move back home (this one is going to cause a problem with Lil's dad - eek) and go back to work. I miss being 20 minutes away from London, I miss having money in the bank and ambition in my back pocket. I miss being able to palm my daughter off on other people so I can regain some sanity (I currently have zero), I miss date nights. I miss being selfish! And you can be selfish when you have kids, you have to be for happiness sake. So I'm going to be and I'm going to happy. Because it's all become clear, the sea has cleared my head. I love the seaside, but it just ain't me.
Watch out London, I'm coming back!