It's taken me five go's to write this post. I know what I want to say but it hasn't really been coming out that great. Let's try again...
I'm unhappy. I'm not sure I want to live here going forward, I'm not enjoying my degree. My anxieties have slowly started to creep back and I've been feeling panicky. Stifled. Lil has been impossible since we've moved, the terrible two's are in full swing and I've felt trapped inside a black hole. I've been ignoring that awful feeling you get when you realise you've made a massive mistake because I thought this move would be the best thing for my family. Turns out I was wrong.
So I've been wracking my brain, trying to figure out how to fix these feelings. For four weeks. And then one morning last week, I woke up with fire in my belly. I knew what I wanted for the first time in three years.
To go back to work.
So that's what I'm going to do. Quit my degree, move back home (this one is going to cause a problem with Lil's dad - eek) and go back to work. I miss being 20 minutes away from London, I miss having money in the bank and ambition in my back pocket. I miss being able to palm my daughter off on other people so I can regain some sanity (I currently have zero), I miss date nights. I miss being selfish! And you can be selfish when you have kids, you have to be for happiness sake. So I'm going to be and I'm going to happy. Because it's all become clear, the sea has cleared my head. I love the seaside, but it just ain't me.
Watch out London, I'm coming back!
A beautiful grump.
What do you get when you cross a tired, teething toddler at a festival with one of the most amazing portrait photographers going?
All images Jenny Lewis
Thanks Momma loves for our amazing portrait session at Latitude! And thank you Jenny, for making tired and grumpy so beautiful.
Momma loves... Latitude.
We're back from Latitude! What an amazing time we had, surrounded by so many brilliant Momma's. A big thanks to Momma loves for inviting us and for some wonderful inspiration.
We saw Cat Power (my favourite), Jessie Ware, Bloc Party... amongst others, hung out with some of the most influential and amazing Mums I've ever met, danced and laughed and wore ourselves out. And all thanks to that amazing Momma loves. WE LOVE YOU!
Go check Momma loves out HERE. They are on Facebook and Twitter, too.
The brains and beauty behind Momma Loves...
First (fake) tattoo... she had major regret the next day.
Rockin' our SUN Jellies
Cardi - Toto knits
Cos I write, init.
The Momma Loves tent
The absolutely amazing Camila from Kids Company.
I urge you all to take a look at the work Camila and her team do for Kids Company. I was gobsmacked at what she told us, the horrendous abuse that children suffer and the awful conditions they live in and how it shapes their future (in detail) - and not for the good. And this is all happening in the UK, maybe in our street. The work Kids Co does isn't funded by the government and this has made me so determined to help, watch this space.
An opportunity for us Mommas to anonymously confess and hang it on the tree... (mine involved wine)
The super Hattie from Free Our Kids and her scrimping super hero workshop
Lil, pinching the contents of my Carousel party bag after a brilliant 'how to' kids party workshop
Lil with the lovely Isra from Latte Mama
Trademark festival eyebags (me, not Isra!)
Go check Momma loves out HERE. They are on Facebook and Twitter, too.
We were guests of Momma loves at Latitude festival and had the best time!
Momma loves.... not being normal.
One of my favourite blogs / crews Momma loves has invited Lil and I to hang out with them at Latitude this weekend. Haven't heard of them? Go check them out NOW.
We're looking forward to celebrating not being normal along with a whole host of not normal Mums, who wants to be normal anyway? We'll be eating tea and cake, indulging in beauty treatments, getting our picture taken by the amazing Jenny Lewis, workshoppin' with the fab Hattie from Free Our Kids, listening to Camila from KIDS COMPANY give an inspirational talk about vulnerable children in London not to mention face painting, crazy aerobics and more talks from some amazing Momma's!!!!
I'll be blogging all about it once the party is over (but seriously, when is the party ever over?!) but do go take a look and sign up for the Momma loves mailing list.
We're looking forward to celebrating not being normal along with a whole host of not normal Mums, who wants to be normal anyway? We'll be eating tea and cake, indulging in beauty treatments, getting our picture taken by the amazing Jenny Lewis, workshoppin' with the fab Hattie from Free Our Kids, listening to Camila from KIDS COMPANY give an inspirational talk about vulnerable children in London not to mention face painting, crazy aerobics and more talks from some amazing Momma's!!!!
I'll be blogging all about it once the party is over (but seriously, when is the party ever over?!) but do go take a look and sign up for the Momma loves mailing list.
Calm the drama, yo.
A huge part of why we moved by the sea was to find calm in our lives. Growing up in the middle of dramas kinda got boring around the age of 12 but life throws things at you that you can't control. And then I started to adopt drama. Putting myself in dangerous situations, hating so hard on people (but with reason init), walking away from toxic relationships, creating toxic relationships... it all became exhausting.
Then I met Tim and everything started to slow down. Things felt a little calmer.
When Lil came into our lives, everything felt fraught again. Even when she was calm, I was still fretting over every little thing. Some silly, some totally relevant. Our lives, our little family, it's been full of drama too. I'd hoped that it all would become irrelevant but what can I say... we both have families who thrive on drama! So, the seaside was going to be our chance to slow everything down. For us to breathe and be calm. I'd be lying if I said it was both of us who needed to stop being neurotic and hot headed. I'm fully aware I can be nutty. But we have to work on this together, because what was and is the most important thing in the world is Lilian. Providing a calm and happy environment for her to grow up in. Regardless of my relationship with her father, we agreed that no matter what happens we'll try to keep things as calm and sane for her as we can.
Am I going off on a tangent? No dramas.
Have we found calm? We are on the right path. I was naive and thought we'd move here and it would all just melt away. It felt like that for a while but then reality kicked in and the honeymoon period wore off. It's hard, life. Whether you're embroiled in drama, create it or avoid it there is no getting away from it. All we can do is work hard to find calm, remove ourselves from unsavoury situations and stay positive.
I'm positive I'll find my ideal calm, once I've shhsed my anxieties and pushed any drama to one side. And once Lil pulls herself out of this terrible two's funk. Oh the drama...
Then I met Tim and everything started to slow down. Things felt a little calmer.
Lovely calm garden. Except there are fucking spiders EVERYWHERE.
When Lil came into our lives, everything felt fraught again. Even when she was calm, I was still fretting over every little thing. Some silly, some totally relevant. Our lives, our little family, it's been full of drama too. I'd hoped that it all would become irrelevant but what can I say... we both have families who thrive on drama! So, the seaside was going to be our chance to slow everything down. For us to breathe and be calm. I'd be lying if I said it was both of us who needed to stop being neurotic and hot headed. I'm fully aware I can be nutty. But we have to work on this together, because what was and is the most important thing in the world is Lilian. Providing a calm and happy environment for her to grow up in. Regardless of my relationship with her father, we agreed that no matter what happens we'll try to keep things as calm and sane for her as we can.
Reflecting. I hope. On how naughty she has been lately.
Am I going off on a tangent? No dramas.
Have we found calm? We are on the right path. I was naive and thought we'd move here and it would all just melt away. It felt like that for a while but then reality kicked in and the honeymoon period wore off. It's hard, life. Whether you're embroiled in drama, create it or avoid it there is no getting away from it. All we can do is work hard to find calm, remove ourselves from unsavoury situations and stay positive.
I'm positive I'll find my ideal calm, once I've shhsed my anxieties and pushed any drama to one side. And once Lil pulls herself out of this terrible two's funk. Oh the drama...
Sun Jellies: childhood shoes and a supermama.
I came across Sun Jellies on Facebook. A friend liked their page and I liked their jellies so I went and had a look at what they sold (jelly shoes, OBVS). When I saw they did adult and kids jellies, I was sold. I don't care how uncool some people may think it is to match your shoes to your two year olds... that shit was about to happen.
Through our mutual love for jellies, the fact we're both mothers and live at the seaside... the brain behind Sun Jellies and I got talking. Wanna know how this woman juggles jellies and kids and the history behind it all?
You can follow Sun Jellies on Facebook and Twitter. For some serious Sun Jellies stylin', check them out on Instagram.
Through our mutual love for jellies, the fact we're both mothers and live at the seaside... the brain behind Sun Jellies and I got talking. Wanna know how this woman juggles jellies and kids and the history behind it all?
I had always wanted my own business but had never found the right idea or been brave enough. However I was always interested in original brands with great stories.
When our family, consisting of me, my husband and 2 kids under 3, moved to Worthing for a ‘laid back’ coastal lifestyle, I looked for some proper old school jellies for me and the kids to wear on the pebbly beach. But where had they disappeared to? No-one in the UK was selling them. After a frustrating search online I eventually discovered Méduse SUN jellies from France. Hello. These were the classic t-bar jelly sandals that I remembered from my childhood yet I never knew they originated from France! Nor did I know that they were first created by a Frenchman in 1946 in response to a worldwide leather shortage. Who would have thought that the humble jelly sandal had such an interesting history? And this iconic fisherman sandal design, synonymous with summer and childhood, was still made in France using the original moulds! What a surprise to find plastic shoes not made in China! I instantly fell in love with the shoes and the story behind the brand and my new mission in life was to bring these jellies back! In my mind I could see SUN jellies as a wardrobe staple, as commonplace as a pair of Havaianas or Converse (well in my wardrobe anyway).
The birth of my 2nd child, home renovations and a not entirely convinced husband/business partner put the brakes on my business plans for about 12 months but we finally started to trade in September 2012. The first delivery of jellies from our supplier was an exciting and daunting moment! Jelly heaven for me but hopefully we could sell them! We started on eBay operating out of our spare room and to our delight the demand for our jellies quickly grew. We now have our own website and as exclusive distributor for Méduse SUN jellies in the UK we have started wholesaling and are about to move into commercial premises! The growth of our business has definitely been helped by the fact that jellies are back in fashion but we believe our dedication to providing customers with the original French product (not an imitation made in China) and our commitment to prompt and friendly service have played a big part in our success so far. And when we look at the number of customers who come back to buy more jellies or send us pictures of themselves in their jellies or write to thank us, we figure we must be doing something right.
Running my own business is exhilarating, exhausting, scary and all consuming. It is so rewarding doing something you’ve always wanted to do but so much for the laid back coastal lifestyle! Some days I don’t even leave the house (oh was it sunny today?)! I go to bed knackered and wake up knackered. I haven’t done anyexercise in months and I look like shit. It’s like we’ve had a 3rd baby. I often feel like a neglectful mum and partner and at times I wonder if it’s a mistake putting my family and relationship under this pressure. Don’t even talk to me about work/life balance! I tell myself that this period of incredibly hard work is normal for the first couple of years of a new business and it will be worth it. In any case, I wasn’t in a position to not work so I’m thankful I’ve been able to create a job for myself selling a product I love. Oh and I have an endless supply of jellies in every colour so that’s pretty cool too.
Wow, what a woman! And after that, I made her answer some questions...
Name Kelly White
Occupation Business Owner
WHAT DID YOUR LIFE
CONSIST OF BEFORE YOU BECAME A MAMA?
Long showers, time to myself, spontaneity.
HOW HAS BECOMING A
MOTHER MADE YOU A BETTER PERSON?
Hmm not sure about that one. I’ve never felt
so selfish, impatient or resentful.
ASIDE FROM CONCEALER,
WHAT CANT YOU LIVE WITHOUT NOW YOU HAVE A CHILD?
Bread sticks. Baby yoghurts. Sky
Plus. cbeebies.
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU
GIVE A FIRST TIME MUM?
You don’t have to read all the parenting books. Find your own groove.
HOW HAS YOUR WARDROBE
CHANGED SINCE HAVING A BABY / CHILDREN?
I still wear ‘comfy’ maternity
underpants which my partner hates.
CAKE OR BISCUITS?
I like
to bake muffins with my son.
WHAT OR WHO INSPIRES
YOU?
Honesty, courage, passion, a sense of humour.
DO YOU HAVE ANY
SECRETS OR TIPS TO MAKING MOTHERHOOD THAT BIT EASIER?
Putting on a load of
washing always makes you feel better. Other than that learn to accept a level
of mess and dirt.
It isn't all blue skies...
Hello from the seaside. We've been here for nearly three weeks now and after Sky fucking up our internet, we currently have temporary internet access via some weird little black box while they try and fix the problem. Two weeks without internet access, only crappy 3G, was bloody hard. Even with the beach a five minute walk away...
It's nice living in a new place but with anxiety all up in my grill, I'm finding it hard to feel settled. Maybe it'll take time, we'll see. In the meantime, I seem to be spending the majority of my days nagging the two impossible idiots I live with. So much so that I'm considering packing a bag and leaving the country for a while. The terrible two's are ruining my life and my husband isn't making it any easier (neither is his Mother...) Thank heavens for other Mothers keeping me sane with their funny, tongue in cheek texts and Twitter with its sympathetic ear.
I'll be back in a bit with a proper seaside update with pictures and stuff, once my head is clearer and my child stops being a little shit (if ever). I thought living here would bring peace and calm into my life, turns out moving away causes more drama than you knew possible.
Soon, yo.
It's nice living in a new place but with anxiety all up in my grill, I'm finding it hard to feel settled. Maybe it'll take time, we'll see. In the meantime, I seem to be spending the majority of my days nagging the two impossible idiots I live with. So much so that I'm considering packing a bag and leaving the country for a while. The terrible two's are ruining my life and my husband isn't making it any easier (neither is his Mother...) Thank heavens for other Mothers keeping me sane with their funny, tongue in cheek texts and Twitter with its sympathetic ear.
I'll be back in a bit with a proper seaside update with pictures and stuff, once my head is clearer and my child stops being a little shit (if ever). I thought living here would bring peace and calm into my life, turns out moving away causes more drama than you knew possible.
Soon, yo.
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