Lego Friends: Girlz 4 Life

My social calendar these days is pretty dire. I forgot just how exhausting babies are and the last thing I really want to be doing after a bad night is making plans and going out, I mean... I'm a complete lightweight these days.

The girls, however, well... it's embarrasing really. Most recently, Lil was invited to the screening of Lego Friends: Girls 4 Life at Warner Bros. We are a big fan of Lego in this house, all of it. Sports car Lego, Disney Princess Lego, bog standard bricks... we don't discriminate, so of course when I asked her if she wanted to go she immediately said yes.

I'm not in the know with all these different legos (is that how you say it? or is it "different lego" minus the 'S'?), that's Daddys department, but he assured me that it would be good. So off we went to London.

The DVD, released just in time for half term on 15th February, is about a group of girls in Heartlake City whose friendships are tested when Livi, a popstar, comes to town. Livi's manager steals the hit song "Girlz" from the group of friends and as it skyrockets Livi to fame the girls wonder if once she knows the truth, Livi will do the right thing.

I should have just copy and pasted the press release shouldn't I? I'm not the best storyteller. Anyway, it's actually a really good film and Lil was glued from the beginning. The songs are super catchy and I've been humming them for the last few days and I can see exactly what we'll be doing in half term... learning allllll the words and dance moves.

This is Livi, I am jealous of her hair

The girls aren't maids, they're in disguise... y'know, off to kick some manager butt

We ate the most ridiculously delicious cupcakes, played with Lego, hung out in the photo booth... I am now the coolest mum on the planet according to her. Wahoo! So there you go, I am living out my social life through my four year old. And do you know what? This was way more fun than a bottle of wine and a hangover the next day, even if I did sugar crash in the car on the way home.

Straight in there with the colouring 

Here's the trailer, have a watch and if you want to win a copy head over to my Instagram.

A huge thank you to Warner Bros for the invite, you guys are the best!

Roald Dahl at Tatton Park

I recently had an email that made me sit up with excitement: Roald Dahl's Tremendous Adventures at Tatton Park.

We are big fans of Roald Dahl in this house and we've read The Twits and George's Marvellous Medicine with lots of giggles. And with the impending World Book Day, Lil has decided she wants to be a character from one of Dahl's books (although not Mrs Twit or Miss Trunchbull I am sad to say).

The info is pretty much a copy and paste job (sorry - full list of dates right at the end if you want to scroll through), but I've kept out the boring bits. If you're looking for a day out and you live oop North then this really is going to be worth a visit. And if you don't live close by, it's definitely going to be worth the trip.

The most gloriumptious things are set to happen in 2016 as Tatton Park embarks on a magical journey celebrating 100 years since the birth of Roald Dahl, The World’s number 1 storyteller.

Working closely with the Roald Dahl Literary Estate and legendary illustrator Quentin Blake, the year-long programme of events at Tatton Park is just one of a host of activities taking place throughout 2016 as part of Roald Dahl 100. Included in the birthday celebrations is the Imagine Children’s Festival at London’s Southbank Centre in February.

Amongst the jam-packed year of surprises at Tatton Park are the most imaginative trails for children. From Easter to the end of September you’ll be invited to join DANNY THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD in the Gardens, FANTASTIC MR FOX at the Farm and MATILDA in the Mansion….and out in the Parkland THE ENORMOUS CROCODILE will be lurking.

Kicking off  the year’s celebration will be a Splendiferous Scarecrow Festival in the Gardens in February, an opportunity to meet some terrific scarecrows inspired by the best-loved of Roald Dahl’s characters. Expect to be entertained as Illyria outdoor theatre puts on a grand performance of DANNY THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD in the spectacular outdoor setting of the Old Hall. Outdoor cinema comes to Tatton’s beautiful Parkland with a late summer evening screening of WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY starring the legendary Gene Wilder. And there will be plenty of invitations to settle down and listen in as Roald Dahl’s extraordinary storytelling weaves its way through the park throughout the year.

In September Tatton will be joining many others in a worldwide celebration of Roald Dahl's 100th year with a scrumdiddlyumptious picnic day. A Frightsome Halloween will be full of witchy mischief and the Christmas Mansion will be packed full with Roald Dahl’s unique imagination, his beloved characters and unforgettable stories.

  

The Mansion will be hosting a unique opportunity to see a magnificent display of Roald Dahl book covers from around the world and throughout time. His books have been published over 200 million times and in over 50 languages. 

Visitors will be able to discover the most gloriously yummy treats in Tatton’s Stableyard. Inspired by Roald Dahl a fun children’s menu includes scrummy boodley pods and tasty piggerley porkers and the shops will be packed full of extraordinary things to buy. 

Full list of activity and events

Splendiferous Scarecrow Festival in the Gardens   Sat 13 – Sun 21 Feb (closed Monday)

Cover to Cover: Roald Dahl around the World  Sat 19 Mar – Sun 30 Oct

A fascinating mansion exhibition displaying illustrations of Roald Dahl book jackets from across the world and throughout time.

Phiz Whizzing Trails: Fri 25 Mar – Sun 2 Oct

Danny the Champion of the World in the Gardens

Fantastic Mr Fox at the Farm

Matilda in the Mansion

The Enormous Crocodile in the Parkland

Charlie Chocolate Easter  Fri 25 - Mon 28 March

Fantastic Mr Fox Activities at the Farm Tue 26 Jul - Fri 26 Aug

Mr Fox invites you to spend the most marvellous summer day joining him in a farmyard packed with fun. Go on a journey to find the den, get creative in the writing hut, be entertained, listen in to storytelling and enjoy one of your best days ever!

Danny the Champion of the World Outdoor Theatre at the Old Hall *Sat Aug 27

Join Illyria as they promise a terrific performance of DANNY THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD as he masterminds the most incredible and exciting plot ever to save his Dad from danger.

Roald Dahl Big Picnic Day Sun Sep 11

Pack a picnic and come and celebrate the month Roald Dahl, the world’s best storyteller, was born. Bags of activities to make for a splendiferous time.

Willy Wonka Outdoor Cinema* Sun Sep 11

A late summer screening of  WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY starring the legendary Gene Wilder as Wonka. Grab your golden ticket and bring a picnic.*

A Frightsome Halloween Sat 22 – Sun 30 Oct

“Witches are easily the most dangerous of all the living creatures on earth.” This half -term be spooktaculary entertained by a park full of Roald Dahl witchy mischief….and plenty of mice!

A Gloriumptious Christmas Mansion* late November – December

“Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it”. Step into our Christmas mansion and into Roald Dahl’s magical world as his extraordinary storytelling weaves itself through the grand staterooms and into the bustling servants’ quarters.

Normal opening times and prices apply

*Additional charges and opening arrangements apply to this event

Not a sponsored post

Rave - A - Roo

I'm pretty ashamed to admit that I've never been to a rave. I know, it's atrocious isn't it... I'm righting that wrong in the next school holidays albeit at a kids rave (that is also for parents). After my hellish day I decided that we are going to make plans for every day of the upcoming school holidays and god help me trying to plan stuff for the three week hellidays at Easter.

Anyway, raves.

Rave - A - Roo is "a new clubbing mash up of festival fun for all the family" babies included. So that'll be me and the girls' first time raving. Rock on. Or should that be rave on? Launching at the Ministry of Sound, this rave is literally for the whole family... grandparents too (no pets though) and it'll be full of cool stuff for the kids to do (think UV tattoos, confetti mayhem, neon craft, glow chill room) and stuff for us parents too (A BAR... PIZZA!) and professional security in case the little ones try to break out.

It sounds like it's going to be a pretty cool afternoon and hopefully will contribute to an early bedtime for the kids. Anything that contributes to an earlier bedtime gets the thumbs up in this house...

When: 19 Feb Where: Ministry of Sound, London Time: 1pm or 4pm
Buy tickets here.

Now I'd better go search the internet for rave appropriate clothing.

Not a sponsored post

A Boring Mother

As I write this, I have two babies asleep on me. Long gangly almost five year old legs across my lap and a very heavy almost four month old on my chest, clutching my bra (standard). I'm sitting here on the sofa in the dark, listening to them breathe, wondering how on earth I got here. Not the sofa, here... With two children. It still hasn't sunk in I'm a Mother of Two Girls, it's madness.

Today I was called boring, told this was the boring-est Saturday ever because daddy wasn't home and that she wishes it was Sunday NOW. It's a good job the baby can't speak. Boring. That shit hurt.

It's only today that I realised just how hard it is, having two children. Today they tag teamed me with their constant whining, both constantly hungry and letting me damn well know about it. I thought back to when I was Lil's age and my mum had only just had my brother. She was doing this shit alone AND working! So really I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to whinging about my shitty day but I'll go ahead and moan anyway. She's my motivation on days like this and I have a feeling there are going to be a lot more of them to come (fuck you three week Easter holidays). 

Aaaaaaand the baby's awake....

I managed a shower after getting her to shut up for ten minutes. It's not her fault, she's teething, but jeeeeeeeeeez they don't let up do they? I've already (probably) O'd her on placenta essence. I put some underwear on and fed her on my bed, thinking she'd go back to sleep now she was on my skin BUT NO, she'll only be happy when she can crawl into my skin. Instead, she pinched the back of my arm so fucking hard I ripped her off my nipple so fast she threw up with the most perfect aim of my granny pants. Sicky crotch. That'll teach me not to do that again, I'd also quite like my nipples intact with all layers of skin, thanks. Ah breastfeeding. She's asleep now, of course... Now daddy is just about to walk through the door after a long day in Germany doing important shit, to a house that looks as though the laundry bin has exploded in the kitchen and a fucking crèche in the lounge. Oh life. Oh housework. I hate you.

So here I am, a boring mother having a boring moan (it started off ok and it's the first published moan as a mother of two GET IN... took almost four months to start bitching about it!) about my not so boring day.

And that (one way) conversation me and my husband had about baby number 3? Let's boring well forget that.

Dear New Mother

How are you?

Exhausted, I imagine. It will go, eventually, and then it'll return. You get used to it, the eternal tiredness. You learn new survival techniques like biscuits and endless cups of tea. Be kind to yourself. Nap when you can. Don't worry about the baby, you'll hear her when she wakes. Go for a walk, get out of the house. There is nothing a brisk walk can't fix, temporarily at least. Breathe that air deep into your lungs and remember how brilliant you are, even if that's not how you feel right now. That baby you love so ferociously? She is alive and that's because of you. You are winning at Motherhood. I know you're stressing about silly things like a messy house and unwashed hair but these things really aren't important. You do need to make a little time for yourself though, as impossible as that might sound right now. Self-care. A hot shower might seem like an unattainable luxury but where there's a will there's a way. The future, however, will be a different story. Three year olds love to make you feel uncomfortable while you shower by declaring your big squidgy boobies look funny as they do a poo and pick their nose at the same time. Embrace solo showering. If you feel like you're going a little crazy, call someone who knows how to make you laugh. Walk to the shops and buy three packets of Jaffa Cakes and make a fugly cry face while you eat them all. Scream into a pillow, sob into a milk stained muslin. Don't bottle it up. Hormones are a bitch, don't stifle them. Try not to feel guilt, you are doing a brilliant job. Did you curse your baby because they won't stop screaming? We've all been there. Desperation is real when you're a mother. The struggle really is real. I know you didn't think you'd ever be doing this, Motherhood, but you are and this is your life and you're rocking the shit out of it. You will have days when you feel on top of the world and days when you couldn't feel any lower. It doesn't get easier, you just get better at it. Keep on keeping on Mama. Please don't let anyone scare you into making a decision that you just don't feel fits with your take on Motherhood. You know how to mother, even if you don't think you do. It's right there, in the depths of your soul. You can do this. It isn't called 'mothers instinct' for nothing. Go with your flow, mother your child how you want to. We all have our own ways and no way is wrong. Go to a baby group, don't go to a baby group. They aren't for everyone but you might enjoy it. Adult conversation. If not, there is always Instagram. They say it takes a village to raise a child (and it does), let people help you. Nobody is judging you, it may feel like it though. And if someone does judge you to your face, tell them to fuck right off. Because you are doing your best every single day, mothering hard and helping that tiny babe sleeping on your chest grow. As long as there is a mother's love, you'll get through this.

You are amazing.

x

Soft Play.

It's that time of year again. Y'know, when the weather is a constant shit show (bar a few glorious sunny and freezing cold days when you can let your kids loose in the park) so you have no other option than to wear them out at your local Jungle Gym or whatever they're called these days. I woudn't know because I'm one of those Mums. The Mum Who Won't Take Their Children To Soft Play aka party poopering snooty mum.

We've only ever been twice. Once was to a birthday party at the cutest soft play cafe in Bristol when Lil was almost one (that was lovely) and to another one that was full of shitbag older kids running around with their snotty noses, knocking the smaller kids over (that was not lovely). Lil got sick the second time and I vowed after that experience never again. And I bloody well stuck to my word.

Don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge her from having fun but we can have fun doing other stuff that doesn't result in her having norovirus because some idiot has let their kid run riot in soft play when they really should be at home in bed not sharing their germs. Does this make me sound like a germophobe freak? Well I don't care.

I have a long list of things I'd rather do than go there, in fact, and it looks like this:

1. Do arts and crafts. Even if it means finding glitter in my bra and getting my hair stuck to my face with PVA glue (don't ask) whilst watching her colour outside of the lines (PAINFUL).
2. Bake cookies that turn out to be disgusting and pretend I love them because Lil made them and be forced to eat a whole plate even if I feel like I'm going to barf.
3. Make my own Jungle Gym using my really lovely, expensive cushions (note to self: wait until they leave home to buy more lovely, expensive cushions).
4. Watch Dora The Explorer back to back for three hours straight. Hola, Soy Dora etc etc. And don't judge, thanks to Dora my kid can now speak Spanish.
5. Pluck my bikini line. Has to be less painful than enduring Monkeybizz.
6. Empty the pan cupboard and let her make her own drum kit.
7. Let her paint my face (read: cake face paint on that sometimes stains my poor, sensitive skin).
8. Let her do my hair (read: rip it out).
9. Let her empty out every box containing toys or Lego or Playmobil all over the floor knowing full well I'll have to tidy it up and end up cutting my foot open because fucking Lego.
10. Play out in the rain. Because that's not so bad y'know. It' s certainly more fun that piss smelling soft play.

Does this make me a mean mum? Probably. But there are some sacrifices kids need to make too and in this house it's Jungle Gym.

Boob feeding.

I've been writing this post in my head for a few weeks now and decided Suzy said it better than I ever could.

I never breastfed Lil. It was always the plan, I think. I remember recoiling at the thought of doing it when I was carrying her but some days when I wasn't incessantly bitching about being pregnant, looking forward to trying. It never happened, I was too much of a wreck after her birth and then BAM, post natal depression. There was no way in hell it was happening.

With Ember, I was curious. Wondered if I'd be the same after having her as I was with Lil but of course you can never have the same birth twice. The midwife just put her on my boob while I was in recovery and I remember thinking "is that it?". No searing pain, no screaming in agony to get the baby off me. I don't know why I thought it would be hell, perhaps because I've read some breastfeeding horror stories, but I guessed I at least deserved to have an easy time of it after such a traumatic birth experience the first time round. And I think it's helps my baby number two is super chilled out, most of the time.

I was worried I'd come across as sounding smug, and maybe I do, but breastfeeding has come so easily to us. Although there was this one day, the day after I came out of hospital, where it felt like shards of glass were being sucked out of my nipples and I cried really hard in pain and made Tim go to Asda at 2am to buy formula because "I can't fucking do this, it hurts so bad I think I'm going to die" and of course Ember vommed it all up and screamed because it wasn't booby goodness (although I'm well aware there is goodness in formula too, I have a very strong and bossy four year old to prove it). And then the midwife came round and told me to try nipples shields and after that everything was just grand again. Now it's just like breathing, I do it automatically without even thinking about it. The hardest bit about it all has been deciding what to wear everyday and finding accessible clothes because nursing clothes are fucking hideous but I'm getting there (and yes I've seen Dress Like A Mum but I can't pull off dungarees the whole time I'm eating a packet of biscuits everyday).

(I was going to insert a subtle breastfeeding photo here but remembered the internet is full of perverts so thought better of it.)

So I guess this is a written pat on the back (or boobs) to myself. Because I have a baby my body is helping to grow and it feels pretty amazing. It's something I never thought I'd achieve and while to some it may not seem much of an achievement, to me it means the world.

Sibling Love.

I was five when my brother was born, we have a similar age gap to that of Lilian and Ember and I can remember thinking a sibling was the best thing ever.

While I would have loved a sister, it wasn't of great concern to 5 year old me that there would be a boy in the house. You can dress baby boys up too and pretend they're your dolly. I wasn't going to discriminate.

I can't really remember my feelings towards my newborn brother but I do remember March of that year being super snowy and my grandad having to clear the path outside of my grandparents house with a shovel. I also remember absolutely loving having a six month old brother because that was the perfect age for pretending he was my toy.

I went on to have three more siblings, all girls, but I guess the novelty had worn off at that point because by then I was seven years old and most probably had the shitty pre-teen attitude to match and was way more interested in pogs or whatever else seven year olds were into that year (glitter jelly sandals probs). Anyway, I love them all equally and dearly but I will always have that special 'first sibling' bond with my brother, he was the best dolly EVER.

Giving Lil a brother or sister was always going to be nerve wracking. She's a very head strong, bossy sass bag and I did wonder how she'd cope with not being the centre of my world. But she has taken to Ember wonderfully and vice versa. I really didn't expect to see such a bond between them so early on but straight away something magical happened. At first I could only see the love Lilian has for her sister but now Ember is awake for the majority of the day (nap lover she is not) she looks for her when she's at school and once she's home, beams with so much love. 

This evening, I ran myself a bath. Ember was in her bouncer and Lil was on the floor 'doing' my hair (read: ripping it out). If Lil wasn't looking at her, paying her attention of any kind, she got humpy and started shouting. But as soon as Lil started talking to her she was all smiles. I climbed into the bath wondering when the day would come I'd get to bathe in peace (sometime around my 40th birthday I reckon) and left the girls to their devices. Lil proceeded to take down my make up bag and tell Ember all about its contents (this comes from watching too many 'Inside Out' make up tutorials on YouTube) and it was the most wonderful thing to watch. The love in Ember's eyes, how gentle her big sister was being... There was no shoving a mascara wand in her face, just pure gentleness (and one or two ruined lipsticks because you don't need to be gentle with those). It's definitely at the top of my 'heart-bursting moments' list.

I know there'll be times when they both forget how to be gentle and will be screaming at one another because "she STOLE my lego" or "she used the last of MY mascara" but for now I'm going to enjoy this love between them and dream of a peaceful bath time.

FLORA FAIRWEATHER WOOLLY LOVE

I am a HUGE fan of blankets, you really can never have enough although ask my husband and he'll tell you otherwise. When I'm finally living my dream in the country (more on that soon), I'm going to have a huge basket of blankets in the lounge so people can help themselves to one and snuggle up in a corner or by the fire. DREAMY.

Anyway, blankets.

I came across Hollie on Instagram (where lots of mother love stories begin) and IMMEDIATELY fell in love with everything about her and her crazy knits and pom poms. Blankets, socks, hats, scarves, tiny baby crowns... and all so bright and colourful. And I proceeded to spend a ghastly amount of money on her wares because sometimes you just NEED to buy another blanket / hat / scarf, especially as winter seems to have arrived bang on schedule.

So I introduce to you FLORA FAIRWEATHER.

Images: Rebecca Lindon

can you handle this cuteness because I can't

Hollie is mother to one cutie, living in a dreamy cottage in the Norfolk countryside. I'm yet to meet her but already know her personality matches the colourful woolly goods she produces. You only need to look at her Instagram to know she is one of the kindest, most fun people around and she just bursts with positivity. Everyone needs a bit of Hollie in their lives. And EVERYONE needs some of her colourful crochet in their homes and on their babies!

pom pom LOVE

Ember in her crochet crown - buy it here (the crown not the baby)

If you're looking for a pom pom class then keep an eye out on Hollie's instagram, she recently held one in London and the church next to her house in Norfolk and HOPEFULLY she'll be holding more in the new year. The rainbow bagels looked INSANE!

Hollie blogs over at Flora Fairweather and you can visit her shop here but be warned, you'll be parting with all your money. 

Two.

It's been six weeks now since Ember arrived, totally chilled and completely ok with being outside of the womb. She's the total opposite of her sister and compared to baby Lil's behaviour, the perfect baby. Obviously I'm not that naieve and know there will be times in the future when she acts like an utter monster but for now let's just focus on these lovely peaceful times.

a lovely peaceful time

Having two kids is fucking mental. It takes two hours minimum to leave the house and I have to make sure everything is ready for us the night before... outfits, bags, nappies THE LOT because if it isn't then we are fucked, basically, and it adds on another hour plus. My bedroom looks like a launderette, my bathroom like Mothercare's baby change room, my kitchen like it's been trashed by the dog. I have a stack of magazines that are waiting to bed read, washing that needs putting away since last wednesday and so many emails to reply to. WHERE DOES THE TIME GO? Mental.

It is wonderful though, seeing the girls together. Lil loves her little sister so much she could burst and I can see that Ember feels the same. She smiles when she's around but it takes me some solid work to get her to crack a smile. High maintenance or what.

loves a cuddle, this one

I've really fallen behind with this blog and I'm cross with myself because I have so much to tell you and lots of lovely things to show you. Just give me 8 more hours in the day and we're golden.

Ember

My decision to have another c-section wasn't an easy one really. I was all set to go for a water birth and was feeling quite excited about it but things don't always turn out the way you want them to, do they?

Walking Lil to school and back everyday is quite fun. we play games and have chats and no matter what the weather is doing I always make sure we make the effort to walk (most of the time, anyway) but as my pregnancy progressed through the final weeks I found the SPD got worse by the day. I'd dread it but as I don't drive it was the only option really, although as soon as I found my legs and hips giving way on the walk, I knew I was absolutely fucked in terms of a water birth.

I spoke with my midwife about the pain and how I was worried I wouldn't be very mobile during labour and although the water would help with the SPD, I was finding it near impossible to get in and out of the shower, let alone a birth pool. She was very supportive when I told her I wanted to book in for an elective section and the consultant signed it off two days later. Such relief although I was disappointed.

I arrived at hospital at 8am on the morning of the 12th October, anxious but trying very hard not to show it. The midwife looking after me was so lovely and assured me it would all be ok. I met the surgeon while I was having my obs done and told him I thought he smelt nice and then realised just how nervous I was to be cracking jokes with the man who was about to perform abdominal surgery on me, I was mortified.

Soon it was time to walk to theatre and I said goodbye to my tearful mother, rolling my eyes that she was getting emotional. This was going to be a walk in the park! Stepping into the exact room where Lil was born was pretty surreal, especially as I was drug free up until that point and could see it with a clear head. I tried not to look around too much, it was a pretty scary scene with all the machines and stainless steel. The scrubs nurse just happened to be the midwife who was with me when Lil was born so I knew that was to be a good omen for this time round.

After the spinal (for which I had to lie down for because I had a bit of a spazzy dizzy spell) I felt very relaxed but could feel just how anxious my husband was. The anaesthetist keep me distracted from what was going on over the sheet blocking my view and before I knew it I felt strong pushing down on my abdomen and within minutes I heard a shrill cry. My baby was born to 'Crazy in Love' by Beyonce and sweet jesus was I crazy in love. It all happened so quickly, never has an hour passed by as fast as that hour did. It was surreal, insane, emotional, scary, sooooooo relaxed. I had skin to skin and she breastfed straight away.

Born at 09:54 weighing 6lb 10oz

Ember Dorothy's birth was wonderful. Although I knew recovery would be tough, and it has been, we bonded right away and she is such a chilled out baby. I made peace with the traumatic delivery I had with Lil and have recovered way quicker than I did with the emergency c-section. Although her birth story is short and sweet, it was a very powerful experience.

If this birth has reminded me of anything, it's how wonderful the NHS is. Alright, a c-section isn't ideal for anyone involved but my decision (although in a way it felt like a choice I had to make) was the right one. I now have two beautiful girls and I couldn't be more proud of myself.

Total mum-boss.

Chocolate oat cookies

I am in the final few weeks of my pregnancy and god what a chore. I'm too tired, really, to be bothered to do anything strenuous and as my SPD seems to have gotten a lot worse over the past week my daily seven mile walks have had to stop. Ahoy continually expanding arse.

What I have continued to do though is cook and bake and I've been thinking of yummy things to make to put in Lil's lunchbox (little fusspot won't eat school dinners unless it's fish friday). She is a massive cookie lover (definitely my child) so I've been trying to come up with a recipe that doesn't contain a shit ton of sugar because I don't want a bollocking from the school about healthy packed lunches. So after some experimenting, here we go...


100g butter, softened
4 tablespoons of sweet freedom (or agave syrup)
1 egg
120g plain flour
120g rolled oats
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon bicarb of soda
Chocolate chips (I added 6 tablespoons of dark chips)


Mix the butter and sweet freedom together, add the egg. Pour in the flour and mix then add oats with the baking powder and bicarb of soda. Once mixed altogether add the chocolate chips. Roll into small balls, about 5cm, and flatten out. Bake in oven for 10 minutes at 180 degrees.

It's really as simple as that. No faffing. And they're super tasty. I didn't just eat three of them.

The hormonal bear

I can't hold it in any longer. I HATE BEING PREGNANT. I really hate it. I mean, it's amazing to be able to grow a baby and being a woman shits all over being a man. BUT I just really don't like being pregnant. I'm at that stage where I'm moaning to anyone who will listen and even if they aren't listening I'll still moan. 

I'm uncomfortable. And not that annoying uncomfortable where you've eaten too much and can't get comfortable (that normally happens to me on a regular basis), OH NO. I'm so fucking uncomfortable I want to punch myself in the face so hard to detract from the uncomfortableness I'm feeling. Or maybe chop the top of my finger off or something, just a slither of finger that will grow back. I feel like if this baby gets any bigger, my stomach will split open down the middle and blood and guts and baby will fall out. And if I have to turn over in bed one more time my pelvis will crunch and crumble into a billion pieces of bone. I am a large, slow bear who just wants to hibernate. That is what being heavily pregnant relates to. A big old bear in the winter. I am a hormonal bear who wants to hibernate but can't because she cannot get comfortable.

I can also imagine this is how it feels to be three years old and have to exist. To be asked to do something by your parents like pick up a toy or eat your pasta and it's like how fucking dare they ask me to pick up this toy? Who do they think they are? It's a bit like that. I want to throw myself on the floor (it would be a struggle) and scream and kick until I turn blue. How fucking dare I be this heavily pregnant and uncomfortable. It's awful. Something so amazing making me feel so irate all of the time. And this is the part where you go, oh but you're so lucky to be pregnant. I KNOW I AM. I am blessed (vom), I understand that. But it doesn't make it any fucking easier carrying this great lump of a child. I'm five foot two and I usually weigh the right amount for my height and right now I weigh almost two fucking stone over that. DO YOU KNOW HOW UNCOMFORTABLE THAT IS FOR SOMEONE SO SHORT?? I don't think you do because I am the only pregnant woman in the world.

So I'm going to God damn complain about it because as a woman whose body struggles with pregnancy, I'm allowed to. I'm tired. I ache, like devastatingly ache. I'm devastated that I ache so much. That it hurts so bad. I want to be one of these women who are so at one with being pregnant but I am not. I hate it. It is a means to an end, the end being a baby who is no longer kicking the shit out of my insides but who is keeping me up all night screaming. THAT I can do. I'm happy to do that (not that I will have much choice, it's what I signed up for... I just didn't sign up to feel devastatingly uncomfortable). I'm welcoming the pains of labour, I know they hurt (I laboured to 6cm) and I know it's going to hurt even more if I end up having this baby naturally. Well bring that shit on. I want a burney vagina, not burney ribs. Not sore insides. I want a sore vagina. Cracked nipples. Give me all of that just, get this pregnancy out and give me that baby with her high pitched screams and tiny fingers. 

I am never doing this again.

The rats

I am so close to the end. So close, I can see it, I'm just not fucking close enough.

I've had the major rats this week (not another week, surely, I hear you ask). My lovely child who is normally so chilled and fun to be around has turned into a bit of a nightmare. I was going to call her an asshole but, y'know, bad mother's do that (eye roll), her behaviour has been an asshole (better?). Can you tell I'm gunning for someones, anyones, guts today? Call it general four year old bullshit, call it the transitional phase, big changes... call it what you want, it doesn't make it any sweeter and to be honest I'm pretty over it.

Today I have sent a shitty email to my local MP about some wanker parking on the main path on the way to school meaning I have to cross a dangerous road EVERY DAY that has no crossing, just lots of blind spots and raging traffic every morning because the school run turns people into dicks. I've scowled at the traffic warden who couldn't do anything about said wanker, death stared at the idiot who bumped into me because she was too busy looking at her phone to notice my huge pregnant ass walking along the path, tutted at the idiotic teenage boy who almost ran Lil over on his bike GET OFF THE FUCKING PATH YOU LITTLE SHIT and sighed and sighed and sighed at everyone else because... PEOPLE.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm well aware I'm lucky these are my only problems (as well as chronic heartburn and a vagina threatening to fall out). I'm very aware. But it doesn't mean I'm not going to moan about them because they are my problems and I'm British so I'm going to complain.

everything hurts

37 weeks is approaching and I've been thinking of ways I can kick start this little monkey into getting her ass out of me. EVICTION NOTICE. I mean, if she doesn't come on the next full moon and I end up being wrong I'm going to be pretty disappointed. The moon is always screwing me over so I thought perhaps she could do me a favour just this once and use her moony vibes to help me get my body back.

Screaming, non-sleeping newborn tiredness has to be better than a challenging four year old and her teenage attitude, it has to be. At least I'll get a few weeks off the school run (that has only just started, I know) to spend snuggling with a baby who probably won't want to sleep but can't answer back (the only difference being Lil can, sleep seems to be pretty erratic with her right now).

I know I don't have long left, please don't keep telling me. I'm sore and tired and weepy and ragey and the end feels like it's never going to come. Just send me all your eviction vibes and pray that next weekend I'll be swept up in the newborn tired fog all smiley and exhausted with an intact vagina...

A school morning

6:30 Mum can I watch Youtube? No, it's time for breakfast. Can you help me wipe my bum I need a poo? Oh I don't need a poo anymore.

6:40 *eats breakfast at 1mph* Why do you think people are bad sometimes? Is it raining? Can I have a biscuit after my breakfast? Let's just finish our breakfast and we can talk about it while we are getting dressed.

6:50 *still eating breakfast* Mum, do you think I'll learn anything new today? Do you think Caitlynn Rose will have pigtails or plaits? Is it nearly the weekend yet? Less chatter more eating, we need to get ready!

7:00 *slowly finishes breakfast* Can I watch Youtube now? No. Do I have to get dressed? Yes. Can you get me dressed? No, you know how to do it yourself. I'm hungry. You can have a banana once you're dressed.

7:06 Mum can I have a snack? Once you're dressed. Are you going to have a shower? Yes. Are you going to wash your hair? Can I dry it for you? I washed it last night. Can I watch Youtube now? Yes for ten minutes.

7:20 What are you wearing today Mummy? Is it cold outside? Can I check the weather on your phone? Is the baby awake? No she's sleeping.

7:24 Shall I wear my wellies today? Is it going to rain? Your phone says it isn't but it's cloudy. It's not supposed to rain today, no. I want to wear my wellies.

7:29 I'm going to go and do some drawing while you get ready. Ok I'll be down in five minutes.

7:31 Mum are you nearly ready? I want to go to school now. Half an hour and we'll leave. Ok I'll count to 60 thirty times then shall I? Yes Lil, ok.

7:33 Is it time to go to school yet? NOT YET.

7:35 I'm hungry. Have a banana.

7:40 Shall we play Barbies? We don't have time now, later we can.

7:50 I'm just going for a wee. Is it time for school yet? Nearly.

7:54 I've washed my hands Mummy, shall we go now? Can you put my shoes on for me I'm tired. Can I do some colouring? Pop your shoes on and grab your book bag ready. Colouring later.

7:57 Do you want me to do the washing up for you? Is it time to go now? It's ok thank you, I'll do it when I get home. Almost time to leave!

8:05 I'm ready Mummy, can we go now? Yes, do you need a wee? No I just did one, I don't need a poo either. Ok I'll grab my coat.

8:10 *walks out front door* MUMMY I NEED A POO.

Full moon pregnancy ramblings

For a couple of months now, for some unknown reason, I've had a really strong feeling this baby is going to come early. I don't know why but I would bet money on it. Thirty six weeks is whirring around my head. That's not to say I want her to come that early but it's a week I'm fixated on, I can't shake it.

When I was pregnant with Lil, I had a similar feeling that she'd end up being born via the exit she wasn't intended for and I was right. I didn't attend any classes based around labour (or any other ones for that mater) because I didn't feel the need, I probably wouldn't end up needing to know about it all anyway and sadly I was right.

Anyway, I don't have that long left so I'm trying to enjoy(!) the time as much as I can because no matter how rough your pregnancy is you always miss it once you have a six month old and start feeling broody again. Luckily for me my sister, friend and cousin are all pregnant and due between October and January so there will be plenty of babies around to quash the broodiness for a while at least.

I digress. So I'm adamant she's coming early and when I looked up the full moon for September it turns out there's one when I go from 36 to 37 weeks. It must be a sign! I've always had my suspicions the moon is behind Lil's wild nighttime behaviour as when it's full, she plays up during the night... tossing and turning and shouting and crying in her sleep. Always when there is a full moon. And I can tell you when we're due one just going by her behaviour and I am always right. Obviously I could be very wrong about this baby and I will be slightly disappointed if I am because it will just prove that my intuition is shit. I'm willing to put money on it though...

I've read in the past that the effect of the phases of the moon seems to be particularly relevant in mothers who had birthed before. And that lunar energies last three days before and three days after a full (or new) moon, which creates a window for birth. So I have proof to back up my prediction!

When I was in the maternity triage at the hospital for some pregnancy drama or other, the midwife I spoke to told me the previous night had been crazy, they'd had 18 women go into labour! I told her it was probably because of the full moon and she agreed. She plots on her calendar when the full and new moons are so she knows to be prepared if she's working... so it isn't just me that believes in all this moon business.

What do you think? All nonsense? Did you have a baby on a new or full moon?

Wine and coffee.

I've done a 'things i'll miss' post so this is a 'things I'm looking forward to' one. See how they differ in length! I really can't help but complain about how rough this pregnancy is. I do feel very blessed to be able to have a second baby, make no mistake, but oh my god it's been a long and hard slog. I keep getting told "you don't have long left!" well actually yes I fucking do so shut up. Once she's out I'm all about...

Getting my body back. Alright, it'll take a while for it to look how it did on 1st January, but it'll be all mine again and I'll get to wear nice clothes and shoes and it'll be autumn which is my favourite season so who's the winner here? Although this autumn I'll have a new challenge, finding breastfeeding friendly clothes.

You'd better believe I'm gonna rock the shit out of these

Wine. Oh glorious wine. I've had half a glass here and there throughout the pregnancy but I'm excited to have a FULL glass of beautiful red wine. Actually, make that a FULL bottle.

Cheese. Brie and Camembert! And all those lovely Italian meats I was told not to touch. Smoked salmon! As if that baby weight is coming off anytime this year. Let's get Christmas out the way and we'll start thinking about some kind of healthy eating (not eating everything in sight) plan in the New Year.

Coffee. Hot, caffeinated coffee. The feeling you get when it's flowing through your veins. Sweet lord how I've missed that. And the palpitations you get when you've had too much! That's special.

Red hot baths. Alright, I know baths aren't going to be a regular thing, we established that in the other post. But when I have one it's going to be scalding hot. My skin is going to peel right off and it is going to feel good.

Being able to see my vagina. Not that I look at it all day long but, you know, I like to see what's going on down there (clue: not a lot). And being able to tie my shoelaces without grunting / cursing under my breath.

Holding my tiny baby. Sniffing her head. Watching my little girl become a big sister. After wine and coffee, that's probably the thing I'm looking forward to the most (I JEST, a little).

Not having piles. What more is there to say on this matter?

The gym. I genuinely miss the gym, for me it's the best stress reliever ESPECIALLY when you're knackered. Why is that?

Wearing bras that make my tits look semi-decent (even if they drop to my knees when I take one off). Maternity bras just don't do it for me. Oh god, I've got to get past nursing bras first haven't I?!

Sleeping(!) how I want. On my back, on my front. Having to sleep on my left side all the time isn't my favourite.

Not waddling. Or having excruciating pelvic pain. Being able to walk fast again. Not feeling like a massive great lump.

Putting on my own shoes and tying laces... "Lil can you take my shoes off for me please?"


COME ON, YOU CAN DO THIS. Not long to go *punches self in head*