When I was around 18 months old, my parent split up and eventually divorced. The details are hazy, naturally one parent denies what the other parent has accused. The norm, it would appear.
I'm not going to deny the fact that I watch Emmerdale (stay with me). I've been a fan of the soap for a long time but I became obsessed with it around the same time I fell in the love with the countryside (age 16) and even more so when I fell in love with a Northerner (age 21). It was Emmerdale that made me think about fucking my daughter up more than before.
For those of you who don't watch it (shame on YOU), Marlon got Rhona pregnant and then she fell in love with his best friend. Marlon forgave and they were one big happy family until Rhona and her partner decided to move to New Zealand (work) and then Marlon decided that wasn't on, they were moving half way across the world with his son, come on...and now it's got nasty. It's about to go through the courts.
It was then that I started having flashbacks.
My custody got dragged through the courts. Again, the details are hazy but I remember a lot from it. Both parents slagged each other off to me. Called the other parent nasty names and ran each other to the ground. It wasn't nice. In fact, looking back it was vile.
Neither parent was innocent. I guess you could say neither parent is innocent. I've stumbled through life not giving it a second thought really. People fuck up all the time. Marriages end. You deal with it.
And then I had Lil.
I can't deny my marriage hasn't been easy. In fact, it's been pretty fucking hard. Do I wish things were different? Yes. Do I think things will get better? I really don't know. Do I want Lil to go through what I did? What my siblings did? No, I don't. I will fight to the end to ensure she has a stable and
What I really don't want is to fuck my daughter up.
I know so many people who's lives have been screwed up thanks to their parents. Not intentionally. But it just happened. Dear friends who I love. LOVE.
Having a child has made me realise how easy it is to screw someones life up. It only takes a split second. One second. So I hope, whatever the future holds for me I'll go about it with the grace that my parents never did. With the grace that so many of my friends parents never did.
I'm not saying you should stay with someone for the sake of your child's happiness. No. That would be wrong. But whatever decisions you make in the future, be sure to handle them with the grace you would expect for yourselves.
Life is pretty fucking hard anyway. But when there's a child involved, it gets a whole lot harder.
Genius post! Very wise words!
ReplyDeleteMy dad died when I was 5 and my mum never re-married or anything. I was devastated, but I remember kids through my childhood telling me that a parent's death was easier to deal with than the constant rows and fights of divorced parents. I'll never know, but at least my dad couldn't help it (fucking cancer!) whilst lots of parents who divorce could help avoid the fuck-ups and battles that go with it!
I'm sorry to hear you lost your Dad at such a young age. The rows my parents had were pretty nasty so I can kind of understand what they were saying I guess. They certainly can avoid all the damage they do to their kids when they split up but all rationality goes out of the window it would appear...
DeleteMine separated twenty three years ago and still fuck our lives up by behaving like children. It made me wait nine years with my sons dad before we had him and we have yet to marry, as have all of my siblings.
ReplyDeleteUgh, it's never ending isn't it? It's definitely made me more cautious in my relationship and with the way I am with my daughter. Yay to our parents for fucking us up and in the long run making us better people...
DeleteThis post really resonates with me. My parents divorced - last month. They separated 3 years ago. I'm 26. It really, really fucked me up. And my brothers. One parent has handled it with grace and dignity and the other hasn't. No matter what age your children are you can do irretrievable damage. I never want that for my children either.
ReplyDeleteWow, sorry to hear that. Yeah, they're pretty good at fucking you up no matter what your age. I'd be lying if I said my parents are angels now and have fixed all the damage. They're pretty damn good at keeping it up. But if there is only one good thing you take away from their divorce, it's that you know the pain it causes and you will never want Joni to go through that pain. It makes you a cautious person which isn't a bad thing. I hope it gets easier for you xxx
DeleteGood post, I think it takes a lot of guts writing this down! I don't think I've really ever confronted the way my parents divorce has effected me, it's buried deep in there somewhere and likely to leak out sometime...I only hope too that rob and I don't do the same to theo and any future children. My only wish is that we will always be together and be HAPPY.
ReplyDeleteThanks! It's so easy to bury it deep and I do for most of the time. It's not really healthy though and you would not believe how many letters I've written to my parents telling them just what I think of it all. I never gave them what I wrote, simpy threw them away, but it definitely helped to write it down. A cheap form of therapy. Lets hope we don't follow in our parents footsteps but if we do, we don't end up going down the path they took xxx
DeleteAmazing post Charlotte, thanks for being so honest! My parents divorce has messed me up more than I like to admit and still does everytime I hear them talking about each other. The one thing I want above all else for Poppy is that she feel secure and loved and knows that Mummy and Daddy love each other!
ReplyDeleteThank you. It's the only thing Poppy needs, security and love from her parents. It's a shame we were never shielded from their anger and nasty words huh?! xxx
DeleteThis really reminds me of a phillip larkin poem. Which tellingly ends with the words ''get out early while you can and dont have any kids yourself' lol but he was a miserable old sod.
ReplyDeleteThey fuck you up your mum and dad
They may not mean to but they do
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra Just for you
Dp
X
Haha, I know that poem! x
DeleteI feel exactly the same as this. It's so imperative to me that i don't fuck up my son's life like my parents did. I agree it's a hugely daunting prospect when they are at an age where they are so impressionable and like you say, it only takes a second...it could make me a nervous wreck worrying about it. All we can do is our best and I just hope MY best (and yours hun!) is better than my parents x
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure our best is better than our parents, I know it won't be hard in my case. As long as the kids are happy xxx
DeleteMy folks got divorced when I was six and despite being so young, they still saw fit to use my brother and I as a means to get at each other.
ReplyDeleteIt was beyond painful and when I look back I still shake my head in disbelief at the way they chose to handle it.
Dan's parents have just separated and his mum said the following to me during our last visit "I wish the boys were younger so I could stop them from seeing him". I wish I was kidding. Her "boys" incidentally, are 33 and 40.
Perhaps this is a bit controversial, but I don't think it's the separation of parents that fucks a kid up. It's not great for them don't get me wrong, but handled the right way, they can bounce back.
I think it's when it's not handled well and parents use children as a weapon that the damage is done.
I know what you mean though. When you've experienced shit like that, it makes you doubly determined to protect your children from going through it too.
Hopefully the only way I'll fuck Pip up is by showing her future boyfriend/girlfriend the gorgeous photo I have of her blowing spit bubbles in the bath. ;)
*Huge hugs*
XX
Oh yeah, they're good at that. Playing each other off against the other and using us as (metaphorical) punch bags. One told me they thought this and the other told me they thought this about that one... sound familiar?! Grrrr. Wow, that's a pretty stupid thing to say. Kid's aren't really weapons although a lot of divorced parents disagree. I agree with the whole separation thing, if it's done right then I really don't see why the child would be affected, it's when the parents start slagging each other off to the children that it all goes up the shitter. Lets hope we can show our kids how it should be done if it ever (god forbid) comes to it. Haha, I'm so gonna fuck Lil up with the embarrassing photos. They deserve it for these sleepless night and worrying, RIGHT?
Deletexxx