A question or two...

So, I have a few questions I need answering. Feel free to help me out if you know the answer to any of them.

1. When do children learn to tidy up after themselves?

Because I'm getting pretty fucking tired of treading on bricks and having to curb my cursing/ treading on crayons and snapping them and then buying more packs to replace the ones in the bin (it's getting expensive, let me tell you)/ sliding on books and nearly breaking my neck/ fishing farm animals out from behind the radiator.

2. When will my toddler stop feeding the dog her breakfast/crayons/bottle lids?

He's getting fat.

3. When will she stop waking up at 4am and then 6am?

She obviously doesn't realise how many coffee pods we're buying for the new coffee machine and just how expensive it's getting.

4. This teething business, when does it end?

No, really.

5. When will her obsession with 'weeee weeee' (the swing) end? 

The weather is shit, daughter, you cannot go out in the fucking rain. You'll catch a cold.

6. Is it possible to mute the whinging and whining?

As she gets older it appears to be getting worse and it gives me a HEADACHE.

7. Why is it funny for her to take her nappy off and then kick it around like a football, contents and all?

WHY?

8. Can I have a holiday from this please?

No? WHY NOT?

9. Why do they have to grow up so quickly? 

I know I moan but I just want to treasure all of the above forever.

10. Why is it not socially acceptable to drink wine before noon?

They do it in Italy don't they?


Answers on a postcard.