Fears.

I've had many fears. Some have stayed with me, others dissolved.

Before I started my previous role, I was petrified of flying. I would bear the flight for the sake of the holiday, usually because I needed the holiday like Russell Brand needs a shag. But it wasn't easy. Then I started a new job that involved regular stints on planes. With time, my fear of flying diminished. And then last week happened.

In the space of a week, I had three nightmares. Prior to this, some four months ago, I had a dream Lil and I were on a Virgin flight to meet Tim in New York. She was sitting on my lap when all of a sudden I heard screams. And then the entire plane went up in flames. But the dreams nightmares I had last week were more vivd each time.

Again, we were on a flight to NY but this time with Tim. The plane crashed and there were no survivors. The following night we were on the same flight but there were terrorists aboard, we didn't survive that one either. And then two nights ago, I dreamt that Tim died. I don't know how, he just disappeared and it was all so real. They were all so very real.

So here we are. I am now crippled with fear about our impending trip. Every time I think of it, like now, my chest tightens. I feel out of breath and a huge sense of panic sweeps over me. It's silly, so I'm told. It will be fine, I will be fine. Except it won't and neither will I.

Before I became a Mother, before I was pregnant, not much bothered me. Spiders freak me out, I still have a fear of the sound of cotton wool tearing (I know) and like most people, I fear age. All fears that have stuck with me from the beginning. But now I have this responsibility, another life, I have new ones. Mainly, I fear death. So you can understand, although you may think I'm being ridiculous, why I am so scared of flying. In my mind, after these nightmares, we aren't going to survive this flight.

Lets not get in to statistics, they won't quash this fear in the slightest. The fact that I'll have a toddler to look after onboard an almost seven hour flight? Darling, you think that'll preoccupy me? That I'll not notice every bump and that every second won't be painful? Neck a few vodka tonics and I'll be fine, right? Wrong.

Have I considered just not going? Yes, I really have. But it's New York. New York. I've been waiting to go back for two years, I miss it. I miss how it makes me feel. I want to roam the streets with Lil and, in years to come, show her the pictures.

I'm going to the doctors on Tuesday and I'm hoping he'll prescribe me something a little stronger than Calms. And if he doesn't? I'll just have to neck those vodka tonics and hope for the best. I just can't promise I'll be on the flight home...

(You can get a boat back, right?)