Today I am wallowing in self pity, a luxury I wasn't going to allow myself anymore but I woke up feeling under the weather. I feel like I've lost all my confidence as far as my body is concerned and the thought of getting naked and catching a glimpse of myself makes me cringe. I've gained all the weight I lost when I had the sickness bug so I'm back to feeling like a lump again and what calories I'm not consuming through booze are being consumed through crap. I'm short of patience and I'm tired. I want a glass of wine.
Meh.
I had the best intentions of getting up at 7am for a run this morning but a sore throat and fuzzy head saw me rolling over and going back to sleep. Big mistake. Everything is annoying me and I want to punch everyone on Balamory in the head. So much for no negativity, I need to pull myself out of this funk.
Once I've had a cry and a cup of tea, I'm going to blast my eardrums with some hiphop and do the hoovering. And maybe some online shopping. Then tomorrow, I'll run.
I try to get excited about the little things in life because those are the things that bring me great pleasure: my favourite dinner, seeing a special friend, a rare night out somewhere classy (very rare), but there is always something in particular, something rather large that I get so completely excited about. New York.
My first trip was for work, four years ago, and since then I've been back four times, once with Lil.It's easily my favourite place in the world, I can't tell you just how much I love being there. Not for the touristy crap or to go drinking in the hippest of bars, but just being there. I find it hard to be mad or scowl when I'm there, it's just wonderful and I would forfeit a summer holiday and Christmas just to go back. Every year.So when Tim asked me if Lil and I would like to join him in LA for work in February, I replied 'I'd rather go to New York.'
She was so tiny!
Santa got my letter! We're going to New York.
It was yesterday that I had butterflies upon seeing Andrea of flannery o' kafka's facebook status, announcing she was going to be in NY early March too. Andrea is the most amazing photographer, my favourite in fact. She captures children in the most beautiful, breathtaking shots. It's fate, I thought. And then I received the email...
Not only is Lil being shot by my favourite photographer, she's being photographed in my favourite city. Dreams do come true...
I haven't had a drink for nine whole days! For me this is quite an achievement. I'm still not sleeping that well, it takes around two hours for me to properly switch off. Without alcohol making my brain fuzzy, I have lots going around in my head. Now my head is clearer, I can see that alcohol shuts things off for me: emotions, worries... you know the deal.
A slightly delirious, excited face. More on that later...
So I'm still awfully tired but that also has a lot to do with Lil's last four teeth cutting. Back molars are not fun and wine helps me through teething. Or at least it did. But my brain, oh my brain is as clear as it's ever been. I have so many lists to make and things to plan, the calendar is filling up super quick with new adventures and trips to far away islands (most recently, New York and Ibiza). I'm still finding it hard not to procrastinate but it's something I'm working on. One thing at a time, right?!
I haven't always been a pessimist. Back before I had Lilian, there were spells where I was the most optimistic person you'd meet on a Monday morning during rush hour. I loved my daily commute into London, I loved my job (although some of the people I worked with, not so much) and I loved how things were working out for me. Growing up, however, I was quite the opposite. I won't bore you with a sob story but it was quite tough and my relationship with my parents was never great. They brought a lot of drama into my life and for a long time it was anything but quiet. Now I know everyone loves a bit of drama, it's what keeps life exciting. I prefer to watch drama on the TV, Emmerdale being my favourite source of it. In real life, however, I'm not such a fan. These are my ideal scenario's when it comes to drama: Sainsbury's run out of my favourite toothpaste, Lil throws a paddy in the library, ASOS don't have the dress in my size. Now those are dramas I can deal with.
No dramas here
Unwanted drama brings unwanted negativity into your life. I'd rather bypass this and be happy but unfortunately life doesn't always bring you what you'd like. So after reading this post by Drea I decided that now was the time for me to purge. Now is the time for me to remove any negativity from our lives because I don't want my daughter growing up to be a pessimist. Life is too short to worry about someone else's negative disposition. Drea's words have stuck with me. She is so right. I have a little person depending on me, her big eyes look up at me with hope and wonder. I don't want her to see me scowl and frown and sigh because of some negativity that's entered our lives, I want her to see me smile and laugh (and my teeth sparkle white because Sainsbo's have my favourite toothpaste in stock). So my purge starts here. Anything negative that gets thrown our way is going to be spun into a positive. Any drama that someone tries to bring to our lives will be turned away. I'm done with dealing with negativity. We're living, breathing air in to our lungs and we should be grateful that we are here on this planet. From right now, I'm going to practise removing negativity from our lives. Life may not be full of marshmallow trees and lollipop fences but I'll be damned if Lil grows up in a negative environment with a life full of drama. So here's to a positive future empty of as much drama, negative thoughts and judgements as possible.
