Toodle-oo suckas.

I've had this thought in the back of my mind for a while. Since the ectopic pregnancy, I guess. I suppose you could say when I lost the pregnancy, I lost something else (a fallopian tube and a couple pounds, yes but something else too - I'm trying to keep this light so please be kind)... my love for writing? No, it's not that. My love for blogging? I just woke up and realised that I didn't really care for it much anymore. I woke up and everything changed, I thought differently and wanted different things. Sounds a little dramatic doesn't it? I was convinced I wasn't going to wake up though, remember. Facing your fear does funny things to your brain.

Late night LOLZ and YES WE ARE STILL CO-SLEEPING.

But it wasn't just that, I thought about if I would want to read back what my Mum had to say about me when I was three. The truth is, I wouldn't. And then I worried that all these demons that have been dug back up through CBT would have an effect on the way I write things. I don't want to come across as bitter because I'm not. But I'm juggling a lot of emotions these days. Should totally have been American, I do keep telling you (in a New Jersey accent).

To cut all this short, I realised that I didn't want to blog anymore. The world of blogging is no longer what it was and I don't enjoy this new world, it isn't my cup of tea.

When I started over three years ago, I knew very little about blogging. I just wrote what I thought. Turns out for the first few months it was mainly sweary, angry things about being pregnant. I read them back sometimes and cringe, but that's the point isn't it? I've learnt a lot, especially by documenting my journey through parenthood. I've made some amazing friends across the world, had so many wonderful comments (I never was great at replying - sorry) and only one negative one (apparently Lil gets sick because I never breastfed... hahahahaha... dickhead). It's been so wonderful to know that I'm not neurotic (well, not completely) and that something I thought only I was going through actually happens to others. Who knew we all went through the same thing?! Oh how clueless I've been!

She can roll her tongue... my job here is done.

I've worked with some great companies, had the pleasure of writing about some bloody brilliant Mums and have even been nominated for awards. It's been so amazing.

I'm not going to delete this blog though, especially if it can help another potty training Mum who is pulling her hair out because her child just doesn't get it. Or a lonely parent suffering from anxiety. And maybe one day Lil will stumble upon it and use it against me when she's going through her teenage angst phase*. Who knows?

If you want to keep up to date on what's going down and if I'm still saying what you're thinking, find me over on Instagram. I'm yesimcharlotte. **

Please know that I am so grateful to everyone who has read my blog and supported me. I love you all, even if I don't know you. And if you've come across this blog looking for huge mum tits, you've come to the wrong place... you pervert.

Farewell you bunch of lushbags xxx

P.S you can still email me about stuff if you want. Or not. Up to you.

*Hey, Lil, if you're reading this... you weren't a complete asshole. You were definitely lovely a lot of the time but, y'know... you were an asshole a lot of the time too. But I loved you more each day and I love you a million times more now. Now get off the internet and go do your homework. I love you.

**Please note: If you're family, I wont accept your request. I like to keep my Instagram account free from judgement. And yes, I do mainly post pictures of myself drinking wine. So now you don't need to follow me.

CBT and I hate you's...

The other day, I was bitching about how hard 'three' is when a friend said 'I don't know why people talk shit about two, I liked two.' And looking back to when Lil was two, I agreed. Tantrums dominated that age for a long time but it was a great age in general. Three is just a piece of shit.

I've found three particularly hard these past few weeks, she tells me she hates me and I think it back. She's spiteful and enjoys pushing me to the point where I snap and scream at her and then she lashes out some more. It's really starting to worry me and I feel quite upset at the way we are both behaving.

I've started having CBT sessions once a fortnight and it's involved talking about my relationship with my Mum. From about the age of 12, my Mum and I clashed and it was only once Lil was born that we put our differences to one side and started again. But up until that point, it was a very fraught relationship. And speaking about it has brought up a lot of unwanted anger and anxiety. I'm anxious that Lil and I will have the same relationship that I had with my Mum and I think I'm directing my emotions at my daughter, unintentionally. Could there be a link between my emotions and her bad behaviour? Is she picking up on my anger and reacting to it by being naughty? Hitting me and telling me she hates me.

I don't want to fuck my child up, let alone fuck her up by the age of four. Just writing about this is making me angry, angry at my parents. Anxious that Lil's dad and I will make the same mistakes my parents did. Worried about her behaviour.

I dug out 'Buddhism for Mothers of Young Children' and searched through to see if I could find an answer to how to deal with this rebellion on Lil's part. I love that she is so headstrong and independent but she's constantly pushing my buttons and whether or not my emotions are to blame, I need help and quick. Sarah Napthali says 'We delude ourselves that we can think our way out of a problem or we see it as a matter of finding the right person to advise us. We become beggars for our problems, asking numerous people for an opinion. So often, we refuse to relax until a problem is fixed, only to discover that our inability to relax was most of the problem.' 

I think my problem is that I am so anxious for my relationship with Lil not to turn sour that I am constantly trying to control her behaviour. Control her feelings towards me. I don't like it when she's angry with me, I don't want her to hate me. Perhaps if I relaxed a bit, she would stop lashing out at me so much. I need to stop letting her behaviour bother me as much as it is and not analysing why she's naughty. She's allowed to be angry, just as I am. I'm always telling people not to bottle their emotions up, why should it be any different for her?

It seems I have a lot to work on. Parenting is hard at the best of times but when you're dealing with a lot of unwanted emotion it really does test you. And three, oh three, you bastard. I'd take two again any day.