Mother of One.

The question 'When are you going to have another?' is one I've been asked and continue to be asked. My family and close friends, however, have stopped asking. They know that question is wearing thin and that I'm set on my answer.

What you don't know is that I could have had another by now, it would be 6 weeks old. But don't feel sad or sorry because you don't know the story, all you need to know is that it wasn't meant to be. I don't dwell on it, I'm happy. My life right now is how I want it to be.

I have a friend who has only one child too, hers is the same age as Lilian. She doesn't want anymore either, having one child works for her. We had a conversation about more babies yesterday and funnily enough when I sat down to catch up on yesterdays supplements, what was on the front? This.

It made me smile. So I wasn't the only one who was certain I wouldn't be having another. The woman on the cover is Lauren Sandler and she has written a book about having only one child, 'One and Only'. In the article published yesterday in The Weekend supplement of The Times, Sandler writes 'To have a happy kid I need to be a happy mother and to be a happy mother I need to be a happy person.' This struck a chord.

When I was pregnant, for the majority of it, I was miserable. If you rewind back to the beginning of this blog, as I was nearing the end of my pregnancy, you can see just how pissed off I was. I'd suffered from HG, over 15 water infections, SPD... it was awful. If I had another child, I'd probably spend that pregnancy in the same way. My second pregnancy, although very short, started off the same way as my first. I turned back into a monster. I couldn't put Lilian through that and I'm positive my marriage wouldn't survive.

Being a mother is so hard, some days I wonder what the fuck I was thinking. But I love my daughter so much that it's turned me a bit mental. I've been suffering from anxiety attacks for a few months now and an attack is always brought on by hearing of someone getting cancer or a child dying. It sounds silly doesn't it, panicking about something you can't control? But it's suffocating and crushing and it's paralysis can last for days. I avoid reading the news and if someone starts talking about a person they know getting very ill or being diagnosed with cancer, I try and change the subject or leave the room. It's embarrassing but it's also very painful. I just couldn't have another, I'm not mentally strong enough.

Am I selfish for not wanting any more children? You're welcome to your own opinion. I do look at her and think how much of a wonderful big sister she would be but she's happy now. Another child would possibly send me over the edge and be an end to my marriage. I don't want to jeopardise this amazing relationship I have with my daughter. It's a relationship I never thought I could have with anyone. I mourn the loss of Lil's babyhood and go through phases of wanting another baby, but I often think that's only to fill the baby void Lil has left. I can't cradle her or sniff her hair anymore, I'm always met with 'get off me mummy'. 

As a woman, as a mother... you shouldn't have to explain your choices but it's a funny old world we live in. People demand to know why or how or what if. It's annoying. And if you don't answer their questions with something they want to hear, they judge you. But not having another baby is my decision. Just like you may have decided to have more than one or even none at all. Our situation, the fact it's just the three of us, means we can afford to do the things we love and don't have to compromise (please don't think I'm boasting). My husband travels a lot with his job and because we only have one child, we can afford for it to be three of us travelling together. I've chosen this lifestyle, to have the things I like, because we can afford it. If we had another, that wouldn't be the case. My husband says he's satisfied (only satisfied?!) with our lot, he doesn't want any more children either. So there we have it. Three (for me, for us) is the magic number.

If you can get hold of a copy of The Weekend supplement from The Times, do read it. It's very interesting and argues both sides. 

Greetings from...

Well, not Spain that's for sure.

We cancelled the holiday, my gut was screaming at me not to go and then the doctor confirmed my motherly instinct so that was that. It goes without saying, always trust your instinct.

Lil woke up yesterday morning with an awful cold too so it's lucky really that we cancelled. Poor girl. Luckily, we can claim through the insurance so all is not lost (although the weather here is not helping me to stay positive).

The plan is to spend the week packing up most of our stuff, nursing Lil back to good health and spending some time at the seaside (weather permitting) and then.... finally, moving to the seaside. Now that I am positive about.

Lamb and feta skewers with greek rice salad.

I love cooking. Love. But it hasn't always been like this. It used to be a massive ball ache but now it's a form of escapism... Hi husband here's the child I'm off to cook dinner bye. It's therapeutic too, there ain't nothing cooking cant fix... stress, hunger (LOLZ), sadness. It fixes everything.

Here's an admission for you: subscribing to Good Food magazine was the best thing I ever did (totally beats getting married and having a baby, for sure). Since I've had that baby delivered (the magazine, not Lil) I've been spending more time in the kitchen than in the real world - it's like porn for foodies. Humble foodies, anyway.

Here's a recipe for you. It was a great success (if you ignore the fact the skewers just didn't work for me) and it tasted amazing. A perfect summer (or not) recipe from Good Food magazine (and no, this post isn't sponsored)...

What you will need:

300g brown basmati rice (I cheated and bought the microwaveable stuff)
500g lamb mince
1 tbsp harissa
50g feta, crumbled
1 large red onion, half grated (for skewers) half sliced (for rice)
large handful of parsley, chopped
large handful of mint, chopped
85g pitted olives (I left these out as olives make me heave)
300g cherry tomatoes (same for these)
1 cucumber, diced (I found half was enough)
1 tbsp olive oil
juice 1 lemon

1. Soak 12 wooden skewers in water for 30 mins (I found that the above quantities made enough for 6 fat lamb skewers). Cook the rice following packet instructions, then rinse under cold water and drain.
2. Heat the grill (I used griddle pan). Mix mince with the harissa, feta, grated onion and seasoning. Form into 12 (or 6) sausages and thread onto skewers (this didn't work for me so I ditched the skewers). Lay on a non stick baking tray and grill for 6-8 mins, turning until cooked through and slightly browned.
3. Mix the rice with the remaining ingredients and some seasoning. Serve with hot skewers.

And there you have it. One of the yummiest dinners I have ever made. You're welcome.

Banana medicine .

We've had an eventful week in the form of complete shittiness from the babe (quite literally and her general mood. How I haven't spent the week drunk, I don't know. So there I was, shouting at her for being naughty and rude and whiney. Turns out she was sick and it wasn't entirely down to the fact that since she hit two she's become a little devil.

We got to ride in an ambulance yesterday which sounds more exciting than it was, obviously. When Lil's temperature hit over 40 and her hands and feet turned blue, the lady from NHS Direct told me she had to send one round for my little patient. So that was fucking scary. But the guys in the ambulance took the piss out of my garish Topshop leggings and told me I looked worse than Lil which made me feel much better. The doctors and nurses were brilliant and she was diagnosed with a bacterial infection and paininthearse-itis. You can't get drugs for the latter.

Hospital waiting rooms have better toys, apparently. 

After forcing the foul smelling orange stuff down her throat (that was fun), she slept until 2:30am when her temperature sky rocketed again and we saw blood in her vomit. Another trip to A&E, more prodding. We got sent home with different antibiotics this time, the yellow stuff that kind of smells of bananas. Lil loves bananas, I said. But then I remembered that I love them too and when I was a kid that yellow shit did not taste like bananas. More pinning down and forcing the yellow stuff down her. Being a Mum is LOLZ.

So today I am trying to distract her from feeling like crap, forcing medicine down her throat and praying to the sick gods that she's well for her holiday on Monday. Otherwise I'm going on my own.

Holiday shoes. 

(I'm not going on my own)

P.S I've moved my Twitter account. Go follow me for less tweets.