The hormonal bear

I can't hold it in any longer. I HATE BEING PREGNANT. I really hate it. I mean, it's amazing to be able to grow a baby and being a woman shits all over being a man. BUT I just really don't like being pregnant. I'm at that stage where I'm moaning to anyone who will listen and even if they aren't listening I'll still moan. 

I'm uncomfortable. And not that annoying uncomfortable where you've eaten too much and can't get comfortable (that normally happens to me on a regular basis), OH NO. I'm so fucking uncomfortable I want to punch myself in the face so hard to detract from the uncomfortableness I'm feeling. Or maybe chop the top of my finger off or something, just a slither of finger that will grow back. I feel like if this baby gets any bigger, my stomach will split open down the middle and blood and guts and baby will fall out. And if I have to turn over in bed one more time my pelvis will crunch and crumble into a billion pieces of bone. I am a large, slow bear who just wants to hibernate. That is what being heavily pregnant relates to. A big old bear in the winter. I am a hormonal bear who wants to hibernate but can't because she cannot get comfortable.

I can also imagine this is how it feels to be three years old and have to exist. To be asked to do something by your parents like pick up a toy or eat your pasta and it's like how fucking dare they ask me to pick up this toy? Who do they think they are? It's a bit like that. I want to throw myself on the floor (it would be a struggle) and scream and kick until I turn blue. How fucking dare I be this heavily pregnant and uncomfortable. It's awful. Something so amazing making me feel so irate all of the time. And this is the part where you go, oh but you're so lucky to be pregnant. I KNOW I AM. I am blessed (vom), I understand that. But it doesn't make it any fucking easier carrying this great lump of a child. I'm five foot two and I usually weigh the right amount for my height and right now I weigh almost two fucking stone over that. DO YOU KNOW HOW UNCOMFORTABLE THAT IS FOR SOMEONE SO SHORT?? I don't think you do because I am the only pregnant woman in the world.

So I'm going to God damn complain about it because as a woman whose body struggles with pregnancy, I'm allowed to. I'm tired. I ache, like devastatingly ache. I'm devastated that I ache so much. That it hurts so bad. I want to be one of these women who are so at one with being pregnant but I am not. I hate it. It is a means to an end, the end being a baby who is no longer kicking the shit out of my insides but who is keeping me up all night screaming. THAT I can do. I'm happy to do that (not that I will have much choice, it's what I signed up for... I just didn't sign up to feel devastatingly uncomfortable). I'm welcoming the pains of labour, I know they hurt (I laboured to 6cm) and I know it's going to hurt even more if I end up having this baby naturally. Well bring that shit on. I want a burney vagina, not burney ribs. Not sore insides. I want a sore vagina. Cracked nipples. Give me all of that just, get this pregnancy out and give me that baby with her high pitched screams and tiny fingers. 

I am never doing this again.

The rats

I am so close to the end. So close, I can see it, I'm just not fucking close enough.

I've had the major rats this week (not another week, surely, I hear you ask). My lovely child who is normally so chilled and fun to be around has turned into a bit of a nightmare. I was going to call her an asshole but, y'know, bad mother's do that (eye roll), her behaviour has been an asshole (better?). Can you tell I'm gunning for someones, anyones, guts today? Call it general four year old bullshit, call it the transitional phase, big changes... call it what you want, it doesn't make it any sweeter and to be honest I'm pretty over it.

Today I have sent a shitty email to my local MP about some wanker parking on the main path on the way to school meaning I have to cross a dangerous road EVERY DAY that has no crossing, just lots of blind spots and raging traffic every morning because the school run turns people into dicks. I've scowled at the traffic warden who couldn't do anything about said wanker, death stared at the idiot who bumped into me because she was too busy looking at her phone to notice my huge pregnant ass walking along the path, tutted at the idiotic teenage boy who almost ran Lil over on his bike GET OFF THE FUCKING PATH YOU LITTLE SHIT and sighed and sighed and sighed at everyone else because... PEOPLE.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm well aware I'm lucky these are my only problems (as well as chronic heartburn and a vagina threatening to fall out). I'm very aware. But it doesn't mean I'm not going to moan about them because they are my problems and I'm British so I'm going to complain.

everything hurts

37 weeks is approaching and I've been thinking of ways I can kick start this little monkey into getting her ass out of me. EVICTION NOTICE. I mean, if she doesn't come on the next full moon and I end up being wrong I'm going to be pretty disappointed. The moon is always screwing me over so I thought perhaps she could do me a favour just this once and use her moony vibes to help me get my body back.

Screaming, non-sleeping newborn tiredness has to be better than a challenging four year old and her teenage attitude, it has to be. At least I'll get a few weeks off the school run (that has only just started, I know) to spend snuggling with a baby who probably won't want to sleep but can't answer back (the only difference being Lil can, sleep seems to be pretty erratic with her right now).

I know I don't have long left, please don't keep telling me. I'm sore and tired and weepy and ragey and the end feels like it's never going to come. Just send me all your eviction vibes and pray that next weekend I'll be swept up in the newborn tired fog all smiley and exhausted with an intact vagina...

A school morning

6:30 Mum can I watch Youtube? No, it's time for breakfast. Can you help me wipe my bum I need a poo? Oh I don't need a poo anymore.
6:40 *eats breakfast at 1mph* Why do you think people are bad sometimes? Is it raining? Can I have a biscuit after my breakfast? Let's just finish our breakfast and we can talk about it while we are getting dressed.
6:50 *still eating breakfast* Mum, do you think I'll learn anything new today? Do you think Caitlynn Rose will have pigtails or plaits? Is it nearly the weekend yet? Less chatter more eating, we need to get ready!
7:00 *slowly finishes breakfast* Can I watch Youtube now? No. Do I have to get dressed? Yes. Can you get me dressed? No, you know how to do it yourself. I'm hungry. You can have a banana once you're dressed.
7:06 Mum can I have a snack? Once you're dressed. Are you going to have a shower? Yes. Are you going to wash your hair? Can I dry it for you? I washed it last night. Can I watch Youtube now? Yes for ten minutes.
7:20 What are you wearing today Mummy? Is it cold outside? Can I check the weather on your phone? Is the baby awake? No she's sleeping.
7:24 Shall I wear my wellies today? Is it going to rain? Your phone says it isn't but it's cloudy. It's not supposed to rain today, no. I want to wear my wellies.
7:29 I'm going to go and do some drawing while you get ready. Ok I'll be down in five minutes.
7:31 Mum are you nearly ready? I want to go to school now. Half an hour and we'll leave. Ok I'll count to 60 thirty times then shall I? Yes Lil, ok.
7:33 Is it time to go to school yet? NOT YET.
7:35 I'm hungry. Have a banana.
7:40 Shall we play Barbies? We don't have time now, later we can.
7:50 I'm just going for a wee. Is it time for school yet? Nearly.
7:54 I've washed my hands Mummy, shall we go now? Can you put my shoes on for me I'm tired. Can I do some colouring? Pop your shoes on and grab your book bag ready. Colouring later.
7:57 Do you want me to do the washing up for you? Is it time to go now? It's ok thank you, I'll do it when I get home. Almost time to leave!
8:05 I'm ready Mummy, can we go now? Yes, do you need a wee? No I just did one, I don't need a poo either. Ok I'll grab my coat.
8:10 *walks out front door* MUMMY I NEED A POO.

Full moon pregnancy ramblings

For a couple of months now, for some unknown reason, I've had a really strong feeling this baby is going to come early. I don't know why but I would bet money on it. Thirty six weeks is whirring around my head. That's not to say I want her to come that early but it's a week I'm fixated on, I can't shake it.

When I was pregnant with Lil, I had a similar feeling that she'd end up being born via the exit she wasn't intended for and I was right. I didn't attend any classes based around labour (or any other ones for that mater) because I didn't feel the need, I probably wouldn't end up needing to know about it all anyway and sadly I was right.

Anyway, I don't have that long left so I'm trying to enjoy(!) the time as much as I can because no matter how rough your pregnancy is you always miss it once you have a six month old and start feeling broody again. Luckily for me my sister, friend and cousin are all pregnant and due between October and January so there will be plenty of babies around to quash the broodiness for a while at least.

I digress. So I'm adamant she's coming early and when I looked up the full moon for September it turns out there's one when I go from 36 to 37 weeks. It must be a sign! I've always had my suspicions the moon is behind Lil's wild nighttime behaviour as when it's full, she plays up during the night... tossing and turning and shouting and crying in her sleep. Always when there is a full moon. And I can tell you when we're due one just going by her behaviour and I am always right. Obviously I could be very wrong about this baby and I will be slightly disappointed if I am because it will just prove that my intuition is shit. I'm willing to put money on it though...

I've read in the past that the effect of the phases of the moon seems to be particularly relevant in mothers who had birthed before. And that lunar energies last three days before and three days after a full (or new) moon, which creates a window for birth. So I have proof to back up my prediction!

When I was in the maternity triage at the hospital for some pregnancy drama or other, the midwife I spoke to told me the previous night had been crazy, they'd had 18 women go into labour! I told her it was probably because of the full moon and she agreed. She plots on her calendar when the full and new moons are so she knows to be prepared if she's working... so it isn't just me that believes in all this moon business.

What do you think? All nonsense? Did you have a baby on a new or full moon?